Quite happy!
Had a great night.. dinner with da boi at Darling Harbour, followed by a few drinks in the city.
Am tired now though.. am going flying this weekend though! Can’t wait.. is looking to be good weather.
Hoping to learn some more aerobatic maneuvres this weekend … so yay!! can’t wait 
Tell y’all a story. It’s a story about a young man called Gus. This young man was renowned for leaving things until the last minute. Didn’t matter. whether it was doing the laundry, or completing a major set of exams, it was always left until the last minute. Every single time, he managed to scrape through on willpower alone, usually involving one hell of a “night before” effort, (including coffee and the obligatory half packet of cigarettes, as is the custom in Gus’ lifestyle).
Tonight, as we can see, Gus is back at it. Sure, the exams are over, but he has found himself completing a budget for the Sydney University Rifle Club that was due 6 hours ago. Not only that, but also a Development Proposal Form, past financial figures for the year, and also a complete club inventory with replacement prices indexed by age and increasing CPI replacement price. To do this, he has to sort through a pile of documentation, half a metre high I kid you not, to get the figures he needs. Of course, the rest of the committee (he’s the treasurer AND the secretary after they lost one) he has heard nil from.Then he’s going to see a client early tomorrow morning, looking his lovely best (as one does at 8:30 in the morning). So hooray!!!
It’s good to see that Gus hasn’t lost his touch 
Well! not the most exciting couple of days! I’m pluggin’ away at all of this.. unpacking stuff from college.. cleaning out my old childhood room where I haven’t been for 2 years…. throwing out a LOT of junk… and been doing a few practice recording with singing. I’m getting really really motivated.. yes, it’s only been a week since i’ve been into it, but still! i’d be recording now if it wasn’t for my aunt sleeping upstairs. I can’t even have my stereo on. She hears like a bat.
I really REALLY dislike that whole side of the family. This is a group of people, who as soon as my grandfather dies, brothers and sisters will be taking each other to court. And of course, they are all homophobic. My mother begged of me not to let any of them know, because they will use my being gay as emotional blackmail against my grandfather, who’s money my aunts and uncles are fighting over.
I really really don’t like that whole mindframe. My mother is still homophobic. My dad’s gotten used to it, and accepts it. My mother still wants to send me to psychiatrists / shrinks / whatever. It’s been 2 years I know.. still early times.. but JEEZ! this is gunna hurt after time. I don’t want to always have to shut my mum out of my life.
ANYWAY! today actually went quite well.. I thoguht I’d just have a little whinge, and get back to the important stuff! Well, apart from cleaning my room (which i’m actually getting motivated about believe it or not), i’ve been really getting excited about this singing bit. I want to get myself up to the standard where I can be happy enough to put it on a CD and give it to people. I thought I’d have an idea.. I’d post tracks up here on livejournal, and maybe people could comment on it. I’m wary though.. I really really need the support to keep myself going, and I know people have some peverse joy in cutting others down.
Anyway.. i’m listening to a really lovely song atm… the chorus goes “I want to fall in love with you”… *sighs contentedly*
lotsa love to all!
Ok. This is a post to explain what the hell has just happened. And why I was paranoid.
Ok. First off, as I’m sure my previous LJ posts have indicated, I have been a little annoyed by Ryan’s increasing use of mogenic , gaydar and gay.com personals. I didn’t really mind the mogenic.. as I have met heaps of really great guys from there and there are a few slutty ones, but it’s not too bad. Of course, gaydar and gay.com is purely slutty.
Yesterday, (i.e. thursday) Ryan went and had lunch with my good friend Nathan.. no worries there. Nathan is a very good friend of mine and I would have hoped they got on well. Then Ryan took some random mogenic boy out for dinner to Darling Harbour, where he’s been promising to take me for two months. I wasn’t too happy. Then when he got home at about 11:30, he was sorta quiet, not talking much. Then said he was going to bed. He didn’t, and found he was chatting on mogenic, gay.com and gaydar.com simultaneously. Hmm.. I wasn’t happy. In fact, was suspicious. I was chatting to a good friend of mine about it, and although I didn’t ask him to, my friend went and scoped him after sending a message to him on gaydar.
Half an hour before Ryan was going to come over, my friend urgently messaged me saying that he had been chatting to Ryan, flirting HEAVILY (and sexually) online, and Ryan was responding by flirting heavily back. And then what shocked me to the core, was the fact that Ryan wanted to meet up for some “fun” with my friend before he came to see me. My friend of course backed out of the situation and told me ASAP.
I was FURIOUS. And extremely upset. I wanted to end it right then. I was so so so hurt, I was crying and shaking. But I had little time, as Ryan was coming over.
Anyway, after much heart palpitations, I was quite amazed at myself with the composure that I brought it up. I explained why I had been paranoid the night before, and explained the online business and how hurt I was. I kept positive, and he looked extremely shameful in what he had done. I didn’t want to be accusatorial.. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. Call it my willingness for ignorance, I believed him when he said he hadn’t done anything, just done a lot of flirting online. So I went into damage control mode.. and tried to work it out with him. I know I’m setting myself up to be hurt more if he wasn’t truthful, but I think he has a good heart and wasn’t lying. So I went and enjoyed a very relaxing night with him afterwards.
Left on a good note, but I think I still need to stress that all will not be all right until I know for certain that it’s over. As far as I know, he hasn’t actually cheated, so no harm done. Sure, the intention was there, and that hurts. It’s almost as bad as the act. But I don’t know how far he would have taken it. SO as it stands.. we are still together, and this worked out amicably, but my guard will stay up for a bit longer. I also can’t let him think it’s easy to pull the wool over my eyes.
Anyway, it’s 3am and I’m tired… I hope I’ve done the right thing.
OMG
Ok.. was just listening to Australian Idol (Go Guy!!!!! WHAT A VOICE!!!!!) .. he is sure to make afros fashionable again! And then.. I was chatting to some guy on MSN about it.. turns out that he’s a singer. Well, talk goes to talk, he sends me a recording of himself, singing “I will always love you” by Whitney Houston. OMG.. his voice was beautiful!!!!! and it’s something well within my range, that I can sing!
So I thought to myself “why the hell don’t I get back into it”
I am kicking myself.. absolutely KICKING myself, for letting my talent go to waste like I have.
When I went in the inter-college thing after one month’s practice and came 3rd.. what the hell was I doing letting it all go again? And then I STARTED SMOKING!!!! I mean.. WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING???
For god’s sake Gus… you can sing better than the guy who sent you the recording..just do it!!
*end of rant*
God that feels better.
I’m going to get back into it and prove it to myself. Plus, it makes me feel better, and I can sing sweet stuff to Ry :p
Oh! and speaking of which!
Today, when I was walking with Ryan from Crows Nest to St Leonard’s, I stopped to wait for traffic. just standing there, so I lean over, and give Ryan a quick kiss on the neck . (He was wearing Ralph Lauren Blue.. I couldn’t help myself!) The car just in front of us waiting for the lights (we were on the sidewalk) had 4 guys in singlets, about our age, and the guy in the front passenger seat saw me kiss Ryan, and he produced huge smile on his face ! It wasn’t a fag-hatin’ type of look at all.. it was a huge beaming smile like saying “fuck yeah guys!! you go for it!”. The world can be all right sometimes
Well.. I don’t know if it’s technically day 3 of me not smoking.. but it’s not nice!! I was coughing my guts up yesterday remiscint of the first time I quit smoking 2 weeks ago. I really REALLY wanna ciggie now. But I’ll do it.. even if I have to eat dog biscuits to get my mind off the problem (a la lethal weapon 3 :p)
Has been a good weekend.. been up at Oberon and having fun with motorbikes and did a spot of hunting… didn’t see anything though. Not even evidence that there were any piggies in the area. Oh well.
Had a good ride this morning on the motorbike.. up until the point when I was paddock-bashing through waist-high thistles and stinging nettles, the chain came off, locked the back wheel, and sent me flying. Ouch. The the bike had the NERVE to refuse to start, and subsequently leaked fuel all over my shoes. Hmm. Gus tried to remember how long it’s been since he’d had to take a motorbike apart with a single 10mm spanner. Cranky little bitch. Figured it was stuck throttle holding the carby open, so I administered some percussive therapy (whacked the carby with the spanner).. and the fuel leak stopped, and the bike started again So when in doubt, boys and girls, give the bitch some “percussive therapy” and tell her who’s boss :p
Got an exam in two days (no.. it’s not really over. Just mostly), and then Ryan has his last one on wednesday. HOPEFULLY then all this crap that has been going on in the past few weeks will be over. I gotta be careful not to let my mind get agitated, and NEVER to react when under stress or emotional. Paid the price for that enough times!
Anywa.y. I am going to get back to some study.
*mwa* to all! love ya all!!!
I’m coughing like a bitch again.
I gotta give up these ciggies.
I’ve cut down heaps, but now they gotta go.
When I press the “post” button on this, I will have quit.
My reasons are as follows:
1. Health is failing.. short of breath
2. I have a good talent for singing.. I must persue it. I mean hell, I have so many ppl tell me it, but I don’t take their word.
3. Need to gain weight.. smoking takes it down
4. Money!!!! I really really have to budget myself now. Xmas is coming up and I wanna take Ryan to the Lion King.
5. Ryan doesn’t smoke.. it’s not fair to him.
So.. DONE!!!
Wish me luck!
It’s oooooovvvvveeeerrr!!!!! (well, almost).. just finished my run of 3 hell exams in 3 days. Hardest part is now over. Only got one exam to go, and that won’t take much study at all methinks.
Maths today was.. hmmm.. well.. hard yes, but I could answer a fair bit of it. i’m worried about the multiple choice.. that could kill me (so many ambiguous questions!) and got raped by the last question, but hey!
I think lately, I’ve really learnt that I HAVE to keep up work during the semester so I don’t get into this kind of state again! I mean, it’s just complete stupidity that I have such poor marks for my assessments, purely on the account that I didn’t do them and didn’t turn up to tutorials. Hmm.
well now, on the home stretch, with so much more free time! I can become sociable again! Meet up with people! go for coffee / drinks / whatever takes my fancy!
Is going to be interesting living with the folks too though.. hope I pull it off!
I’m just so happy it’s all over now. Ryan’s now in his busy week of the year, so I can’t see him for a fair bit of time. Is a big pity. I miss the boy. Atm I’m saving up to take him to the Lion King.. am appalled at how much it costs!! But it’s worth it. I think i’m falling in love with him.. I don’t know how to express it though! Oh well. I am going to wait my time.. either he says it to me, or I pick the perfect moment to say it to him.
Went to the doc today to get a certificate ‘cos I was violently ill last night and this morning.. so wouldn’t hurt to throw in a special con for the sake of it. Am going to go get stuck with a needle tomorrow to get blood tests done for all the various STD’s… not that I think I’m at any risk, but now i’m with Ryan, I just have to make sure.. piece of mind n’ all.
Anyway, I have a LOT of sleep to catch up on! I have been getting up at 4am most mornings to start studying. a change in routine would be quite nice
*big hugs to all!*
Good luck for those still doing exams!
Well, back off to college for that lovely final minute cramming!!! I have no computer there, which is good.. no distractions. I have a precious 36 hours to perform what could only be described as a miracle. It’s going to be close, but I’m going to be positive and believe I can pass it. But every hour of cramming is vital.
Byeeeeee all!!! I will be back on wednesday!
Tell ya what.. I’m a really moody boy atm!!! I don’t know why.. one moment, i’m up, next i’m crashing down!
I think it has to do with sitting in this goddamn room all day procrastinating from study. Gah!
