Helllooooooooooooooo!!!!!! *echoes*
Well !!! It’s NYE, and I’m in sunny Brisvegas still. Having a good time… It’s nice being so far away from everything (I don’t travel much). Ahhhh.. what has happened in the past few days… *thinks* well….. the good thing is I’ve been kept occupied outdoors. Done a bit of windsurfing out at Wellington Point… and of course, seen Patrick a fair bit whilst I’ve been up here!!! Is a nice little.. umm… convenient type of setup 
We’re using each other for our evil plans then go our separate ways! But in the meantime, we both benefit, so it’s all good!
In other news, was chatting to Kurt yesterday… he was asking my advice as to what to do with a boy he has become infatuated with. This boy is from the United States, and is over here until feb 10th. Now for those who have not been reading all this crap that I write in here… I have very strong feelings for Kurt, but of course haven’t told him, since been with Ryan, him meant to be going overseas etc etc. And now he’s off completely completely infatuated with this other boy. Well, that’s all well and good.. I guess I have to cop it on the chin.. but how am I meant to give unbiased advice? He wants to know if he should persuade this boy to stay in Australia and study here. Grrrr. Life. *growls at life*
–>
Well, this year I suppose has been the most… well… turbulent in all my life. Started off the year with the Timmy episode, which I would have to say was a turning point in my life. I have never been through so much emotional stress in my entire life, and it taught me a lot. What I had to deal with there was something that should not have been expected of any 20 year old, and it almost brought me to my own destruction. However, I saved a life, and without me, Tim would not be alive. And I learnt what unconditional love was. I could love someone, and continue to love them, throughout all hurt, dangers, risk of losing, being with others, and never want anything else but for them to be happy.
After that, I went through the struggle of trying to resurrect my uni degree, after 4 months of not being there. Whilst this Tim thing was going on, which included me spending most of my time keeping him alive, I had glandular fever and was up rowing at 4:30am 6 mornings a week. So, all stops out to see if I can pass and not lose my scholarship / college placement. Very difficult to do, considering I was still depressed after breaking up with Tim and him still being on the skids. But got through it, and only failed one subject.
Then met Dan. Dan was a lovely chap, and will always remember him. We were going out for something like 3 months, which to this date is still my longest relationship, but wasn’t the most intense. Whilst we both enjoyed the outdoors side of things, we didn’t connect emotionally. No real love lost… was a pity but I moved on.
Then started work at the Marly… good type of job.. pay wasn’t too bad… but working until 4am most mornings. Was a bitch, considering I never had any weekends to myself, and was so fatigued after work, I used to sleep most of the next day. I hated it.
Then, there was Gus’s slutty period. (After the breakup with Dan) where I decided that I hadn’t been out and had my fun like every other queer, so I had to give it a try. Met a few very nice people as well, and the sluttiness died off after 2 weeks. a few weeks later, I met Ryan and thought everything would be all right. I could finally settle down and be happy with someone who was everything I had hoped for. But alas. Nothing is ever like that is it? Whilst he could have had all those attributes, and I was falling for him hard, he still treated me awfully and well, broke my heart just one too many times.
And at the same time as I was going out with Ryan, I met Kurt. And Kurt WAS everything I dreamed of, and I knew it because I talked to him in far more depth than I talked to anyone else. But no. He saw the worst sides of me, ‘cos that was when I was in the shit with Ryan. And he’s never seen me at my full form. And, well, he’s infatuated with other people. I’m not infatuated with him in that overly heart-wrenching sense that leads to danger, i’m infatuated with him in the fact that I can see everything working out perfectly. Absolutely perfectly. And he’s off somewhere else. I guess it’s something I have to get used to in my life.
And now that it’s New Year’s Eve… I suppose people want me to make resolutions? Well, I’m not going to stop drinking. Well, i’m not going to quit smoking immediately. Will happen, but not immediately. I’m not going to “not get hurt”. So I’m not going to make any resolutions. Just go out there and take what life throws at me… you can’t do anything else really!!!
HAPPY NEW YEAR ALL!!!!
Gus
-xox-
Up in sunny brisvegas now!!!
Well.. what to say?
Went to see LOTR on friday night… I don’t care what others say… I looved the movie! So spectacular.. good soundtrack…. good plot… everything!
The Road North
And Satty.. well… interesting! Got up at 4:30am… left at 5:30am. As soon as I hit the freeway… heavy traffic and bumper to bumper. All the way to Coffs Harbour.
Now, I could sit here and whinge about all the things I hate about other drivers.. ‘cos I swear I saw all of it out on the Pacific Highway yesterday. Hippies in Combi’s driving at 40… grandpa’s scared of the drizzle and driving even slower… people who will happily drive at 110 in a dual-carriageway but slow to 70 when it goes back to one lane. But I won’t
I got off the main road at Coffs Harbour, and using my GPS and map on NSW, I took all the backroads and hooned like a maniac north. Took dangerous and narrow mountain passes.. the lot. 4 hours from Coffs to Brisbane. Not a bad effort I think!
Brisvegas @ Night
Well!!! Next stop… go nightclubbing in Brisbane. Had a short snooze at Sarah’s place (was a touch tired after 14 hours driving), and everyone came over. Trooped out to The Beat just before 10…was a bit of a different club to what I’m used to! Much more relaxed… friendlier than Arq / Shift.. though the music and lighting needed a bit of work. Didn’t matter.. was all good!! And guess who I ran into… Patrick!!! He was up after backpacking from Sydney, staying in the Gold Coast.. then ending up in brisbane and the beat! (Patrick = dutch swimmer boy mentioned in earlier posts) So.. well.. I had the honour of introducing him to my friends… who of course highly approved of knowing such an… attractive (to say the least) man. I feel accomplished :p
On the other hand..I seem to be losing my voice. Could be the cigarettes.. but I doubt it. Oh well!!!
Anyway.. more fun stuff to come…only been day one!!! Got lots of things to meet / ppl to do.
Take care all!!!!!
*Big kisses from Gussy*
Well.. a quick post! Am currently up at Oberon, and been having great fun doing good redneck boi type of things!!!
Learnt how to drive a tractor, and spent most of yesterday digging a big ditch with it getting a nice tan with my shirt off heh heh heh heh
And riding around on the Yamaha 250 ag bike… having lots of fun!
Xmas today.. got money! that was the main thing… I sorely sorely need it! going to brisbane in a few days, and thankfully i’ll be able to now afford to get up there!
It’s gunna be CRAAAAAZZZYYYYYY!!!!!
Anyway.. more posts later.. haven’t exactly got the most reliable connection out here.. hell.. mobile phones barely work! So will post more from the sunny Brisvegas!!!
BYYEEEE!!!!!
Gus
-xox-
*EDIT*
I went for a drive last night in the old battered Suzuki ute.. went off the main road and drove to a place.. have no idea where I was. Turned off the lights, and sat in the ute tray and looked up at the stars. People in the city.. these are the things they miss. I looked up, and saw so much of the universe. And sitting there, in the tray of the ute, I just wanted to have someone to share it all with. I wanted to sit there, and hug that special someone, and just gaze.
I guess I just had to settle for the dog that time :p
Ok!! Last post before I head out to Brisbane!
Well, actually, i’ll be heading off to Oberon first (near Bathurst, NSW) for some time with my family at the farm. That’s right.. Gussy is a part-time Redneck!
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So i’m going up to the farm… and having fun with dams! Dad and I have the task of emptying one of the dams and clearing it out.. which is a lot of fun ‘cos I get to play with big pipes and do engineering stuff :p heh heh That, and I’m learning how to drive the tractor.. so we’re going to haul a couple of dead trees into a pile and set ‘em alight with a 44-gallon drum of sump oil and god knows how much diesel! *grins mischieviously* That, and I get to have some more fun on the motorbike.. there’s now a quad up there, so I’ll take that for a spin!
Random pic of me on Avoca beach! |
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As for today.. I spent a lot of it running around for the rifle club. It’s christmas.. places are closed.. people are on holidays, and I’m frantically trying to keep the club with its head above water. I chatted to the head of Sydney Uni Sport today and she told me we were in dire danger of being recommended for disbanding. So NOT good.
And ohhh!! Still planning out my trip to Brisbane.. getting my windsurfer ready to put on top of the car.. should be great fun! I must remember to call all the people who i’m going to visit up there! Another random pic I dragged up. I’m going to get in the habit of putting up a random pic every now and then, just for the hell of it. Makes the journal more colourful!
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Gus
-xox-
WOW! What a suprise! You’re an “Elite
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beautiful, always in style, mommy and daddy buy
you everything, And the most popular in the gay
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What kind of queer are you?
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Well!! Another weekend!! Another set of random events!!!
Well well well.. where to staaaaart!
So.. Saturday.. went to do an “In Area” job at work.. which meant that we went around existing customers and signed them up, instead of our usual task of stealing them from Integral Energy. I can’t believe the stupidity of some people. We are there to give them money if they stay for another 3 years. They’ve been with EA for 17 years sure, but won’t take a few hundred bucks in their pocket to stay for another 3! Anyway. That’s work.
So last night… work’s Christmas Party!!! Well.. a LOT of fun! Met lots of new and interesting ppl.. eyed off a couple, but for some reason I didn’t have the energy to go out and chase those ones I was eyeing off. Just wasn’t particularly interested I guess.. that and the fact that I had beer that night and not my precious dark rum (Bundy) and coke.. beer always makes me a bit more fatigued. A good bundy perks me up!
Anyway. Did a SILLY THING. Rang Nick and asked him to come out today (sunday). It’s not silly at all that I asked him to come out today, but extremely silly that I did it whilst drunk! God knows WHAT I said!!!!!! lol so hence the rule
When you’re drinking, never EVER even TOUCH THE PHONE UNLESS ABSOLUTELY NECESSRY FOR SURVIVAL. DO NOT EVEN SEND MESSAGES!!
I then decided, after the free booze had run out at the party, I couldn’t find my mates and those I could find were picking up the girls, I went for a walk out to Oxford St. Didn’t go with anyone, just counted on running into someone I knew. Incidentally, the first person I ran into was Nick. That was a bit of a shock. Anyway, chatted briefly. Don’t know if there’s much to say there. I’m playing everything cool and easy atm.. and whatever will be, will be! He’s one person you can’t pressure.
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Anyway! so then comes the final chapter to my story. what the hell happened when we got home!!! I was going to crash at Dave and Baldy’s place, who live in Camperdown. I was with Baldy up at Stonewall (he’s an absolute champ.. such a str8 jock, but he’s friends with me and comes out ever now and then to gay bars and has a great time with me), and we decided to come home. Oh shit. He’s forgotten his key. |
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Awwwww…. (photo pulled randomly from old photo collection)
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And that’s my story for the weekend ladies and gentlemen! I will probably do one or two more posts until I go to brisbane.. god DAMN that will be a fine time up there!!!
And too all.. a good night!!!
*hugs n’ kisses*
Gus
-xox
Isn’t it funny when you are down in the dumps, and then it takes just one good friend to turn it all around.
Yesterday morning, I was forced to get up at 6am to go and do a lot of things i’d been meaning to do, but hadn’t the motivation to do it. My parents knew I was depressed, so in true mum style (after telling me it was all my fault, I brought it on myself, snap out of it etc etc), she got dad to force me up in the mornings. *sighs.. I really HATE living at home.. I don’t know why I came back*
Anyway. I called my best mate Dave to see if he had any time for a chat.. I always talk to him when I have problems.. I have to say he knows me better than anyone else and we always help each other out. He said he was going to take the day off work and see me. I said he was crazy, so he said “fine then.. i’m taking you to work”. Actually, he told me I was going for a job. Here I am, looking the scruffiest I have in weeks, with holey jeans (not the cool kind), glasses (eerrrggg) and a checked shirt, I rock up and tell them how interested I am in marketing. Really, I just wanted anything apart from sitting in the house. They then told me I was to go out on “observation”, i.e. watch the others as they sell their stuff and see how they do it. I had the best time. Sure, I wasn’t dressed as flash as the rest, but walking around the sunny suburbs of Wattle Grove, we chatted to everyone, trying to sell them Energy Contracts. Met so many interesting people. I got back at 9pm, sat an interview, and got the job.
I love it. It’s exactly what I need. This is a job that brings out the best in me… and enhances my people / social skills greatly.. even though I already know I’m good at them. I’m surrounded my extroverts like myself and positive people (plus a few cuties.. heh heh heh)… and everything in the job depends on being positive and friendly!! Not only that, I get great exercise, Dave and I are working together (we make a fucking great team.. at the end of the day yesterday we made a mistake and visited a house twice.. forgot to mark down that they were already EA customers.. we realised after we had rung the bell.. so instead of making up some lame excuse, Dave and I broke out with a rendition of “It had to be you” by Frank Sinatra to the wife. They loved it, clapped, and really made their day I think!!!)
Oopp.. I gotta run.. will write again soon!!!
*mwa to all!!*
What a weekend. And i’m feeling absolutely horirble now.
i’ve been up and down lots. and it’s killing me.
ok. So, as everyone knows, I dumped Ryan on friday after discovering he was using his online profile and picking up again. I felt horrible after that. I’ve already mentioned what happened on friday.
so a good friend of mine offered to take me out to Arq on saturday night. Pay for me and all. I first met up with a guy who i’d been chatting to online for a bit. Nice guy… a bit quiet. Not my type unfortunately. But a nice guy nonetheless.
I then went to Stonewall. For some reason, I was paranoid about seeing Ryan there. He wasn’t.. he was off hooking back up with his ex-bf that night.
Off to Arq.. had an absolutely fabulous time. I had my first bikkie.. and was dancing the night away and having the time of my life. Got hit on by a drag queen.. that was interesting. Went back over to Stonewall for a little, met up with my friend
Went back to Arq, and started chatting to this blonde-haired blue-eyed Dutch guy who was a swimmer and travelling. Yada yada yada… one thing led to another, and ended up dragging him home. I don’t feel bad about it. This guy was GORGEOUS… the most beautiful body I have seen in a long time. Yeah.. I suppose I should feel guilty about dragging home a random guy 30 hours after a breakup, but I needed to get it all out of my system. I was so frustrated and pissed off.
And I’m still pissed off. I so want to vent everything and tell Ryan exactly what I think of him. Now that we’ve broken up, the benefit of hindsight has made me see things so much more clearly. His intentions.
And i’ve talked to many people about it. He has the looks and the charisma to pull boys, but deeper than that, he is only in it for the fuck. He has no idea about a relationship, nor do I think he ever wanted one. Of course I can’t tell him what i think of him. He’d laugh at me and think i’m a freak. But here I am hurting like hell, out of something he did. Out of the shitty way he treated me. And I know what I’m worth.
Call this blatant arrogance, maybe it is, but I know I’m quite good looking.. I was turning heads in the clubs. And I know I’m one of the most genuinely nice guys out there.. i’m romantic, completely fidelous, and from what I’m told, fun to be around. Quite simply, he did not deserve to be with me.
So why do I feel so bad? My heart is tearing, and I’m becoming bitter.
Ok… this is going to be a long post. So, I’ll put it behind a cut.
And it contains some venting / ranting / letting of some much-built-up steam.
So beware.
Well, yes, I have officially broken up with my boyfriend. Called him yesterday and said it wasn’t working. I feel horrible.. but I hope it was the right thing to do. I tried my very hardest… was affectionate when I could be, never did anything wrong by him, and always stayed monogamous. But I need to let of steam and have a bitch, so here it is.
I don’t understand what it is that young gay men want these days. They ask you out, but then aren’t ready for a relationship or willing to put in the work required to keep it healthy. The chop and change.. they want boyfriends for the “novelty value”.. to be able to rock up to parties with this cute handbag of a boy. The novelty value expires.. time to move onto the next one. I hate it I hate it I hate it.
I don’t know what it is about me. I want a partner to share my life with.. all these things that I do, the talents that I have, my generous nature, I want to share it with that someone special. It means more to me than all the other shit.. careers / money etc.. after all.. what’s the use of all that if you can’t share it with someone?
I’m not sure what fucked up here. But I was hurting a lot, and so I had to get out. I thought I had found the ultimate boy… he was absolutely gorgeous, charming, charismatic and from what I thought at the time, caring. But I didn’t read the fine print. He was good looking and knew it. Intelligent, and knew it. He knew he could have everything he wanted. the cutest boys.. the best job. He never had to try, they came to him. So he never had to put in any effort. And I think that’s why his last one worked… the boy he was with was completely submissive and non-confrontational, and Ryan could walk all over him without anything being said. I was different though.. I was not being treated right and I wouldn’t stand for it. I confronted him. And that scared him.
The thing that pushed me over the edge was the fact that I was chatting to him.. trying to sound all excited about the weekend we had planned, he said about 5 words in total, so I decided to see if he was using gaydar. Of course, he was online. That did it for me. If he wanted to look somewhere else without dumping me first, well stuff him. I do not have to put up with that kind of shit. And of course, I know what’s going to happen now. Those profiles are going to go straight back up there, straight back into it for him. As if I was never there.
And the past two nights cemented my decision. On Thursday night, I was taken out by a very dear friend of mine and I was treated so much better than Ryan ever did. We had dinner at the Greengate, then drinks at a bar in Dee Why, then for a drive around the northern beaches. I felt so good after that, it really put things into perspective. If my friends could make me feel so good, then why couldn’t my boyfriend? My most special person that I’d drop everything for? And then last night, after I dumped Ryan, my ex-boyfriend Timmy, who still remains the only person that I’ve said “I love you” to and meant it, took me for a couple of drinks and then along to an 18th. We just felt so comfortable around each other.. could hold hands walking down the street, and whilst we didn’t do anything sexual, it felt so good just to be able to cuddle up to someone, and wake up to them in the morning.
Although I conducted myself very calmly on the phone when breaking up with Ryan, it was still one of the hardest things I’ve had to do. I’ve never dumped someone before. I always knew it had to be done, because I was hurting too much, but I had really fallen for the boy, and was hoping that the past two weeks was just a hiccup in the relationship.
From it I have learnt this:
I can never go out with someone who isn’t totally out. I’m fully comfortable about my sexuality, and I have no holds barred about how or where I choose to show my affection. If I can’t kiss my boyfriend when I greet him after work, or when he leaves in the morning, then it’s not worth it. Plus, some of the most important and satisfying times spent with a guy is sleeping with them.. not the sexual sense, but waking up to them in the morning. If they can’t or won’t do that, then they’re not right for me.
I must pace myself and always take it easy. I’m an intense person, and a very affectionate one. If my intentions are not the same as my partner, then it can’t work.
I should not randomly meet up with someone, sleep with them, then ask them out, or let them ask me out. I must learn the fine print. Become their friend.. and be that way for a few months. And have patience. Wait for them. And if it’s right, and only perfectly right, then go for it. But at the same time, don’t define that you’re now a couple… build into it. And then it will work out really really well.
And lastly, the intention to cheat is just as bad as the act, and as such should be just as unforgivable. If they’re looking somewhere else, then cut your losses and run, because obviously they are using you until they find someone else. That kind of thing cannot be repaired. It’s in their nature.
I think that’s enough for the moment.. I feel very lonely now and unsure as to where I’m going to go from here. I know Ryan has already gone and hooked up… he went over to a guy’s house and didn’t get back until 4 this morning. ’nuff said. He never did that even once for me. Nice to know there’s a lot of respect there. So now I’m all confused and lonely.. I hate living at home. I’m unmotivated. And I’m feeling myself slide more and more and more towards depression. So I’m shit scared as well.
If you’ve read this far, thanks It’s my space to vent… and I think I deserve to.
I just broke up with Ryan. Feel horrible. More on this later.
