Well… it’s been a bit of time since posts! YAY!! I got my laptop back! Ended up being a dodgy motherboard, with a fault in RAM slot A, which caused an undervoltage on the board and causing it all to fuck up under load. So it’s back, as good as new!! 
Well.. it’s been a few days since I posted.. but I suppose the most interesting one has been today… so I will talk about that! Got up at 6am this morning, to go see my doc, as the psych that mum wanted to send me to (see earlier posts) rang up and wanted to have an appointment this morning. Went down to Greenwich to see this guy… and I will spare you all my inner thoughts and psycho-babble by hiding it all behind a cut.
Well, I’ve been thinking a lot over the past few days. Essentially, all through my life, I’ve had something that defines who I am, and I have done everything I could to be the best at whatever I thought defined me.. set me apart from the rest. When I was young, it was music. I had a talent in my voice, and knew that I was one of the better ones… my friends knew me as a muso, and as such I set out to be the best I could. And I didn’t do too badly at all, I did lots of professional gigs (as a treble I mean), some recordings and 4 productions with Opera Australia (including principal in magic flute). Then my voice broke.. i needed something else to define who I was. My voice was no good any more. At least not for a few years.. I didn’t want to sink back into obscurity, so I became engrossed in gliding. I saw myself as a good pilot, and as such I progressed in my training and experience to start competing in competitions on the Air Force team and become one of the best in the state, and top 10 nationally, for my age group. So that defined me… my flying (it still does to some extent). But time and money soon came short of supply, and I did not have the resources to remain up the top of my age group. So I lost that definition. When I went to uni.. I had neither music, nor flying. Nothing really defined who I was, at least in my own mind. I wasn’t the best at anything. It was then that I finally came to terms with that I was gay. And just now I have realised that, subconsciously, that has been my defining factor over the past 18 months since I came out. I set out to become the best fag I could be. I gained dress sense, learnt how to make myself look nicer, and always sought to be the perfect boyfriend, or at least the perfect fag. And I realise now that it has been the cause of a lot of heartache too… it is because I have defined myself like that, that I try so hard to be the best at it.
Of course, to everyone that comes to me with their problems, I say to them “being gay is only a PART of who you are, it doesn’t define you”… but I realised that I have fallen into this trap myself. And that could be a major reason… I focus too much on trying to achieving that perfection… to be the guy that all the boys want, that I’ve lost my true direction. There are so many other aspects to me.. why am I focusing on that? It will be something I will be mindful of now… watch this space!
After that, went into the city to see Tim, the guy i’m moving out with. I wanted to write a post on this yesterday, but I was too enraged to think clearly.
In short, I rang Tim to see what was going on with our house-hunting… whether he had found anything.. what our status was, etc etc. He then said he had some concerns about “group dynamics” in the house, and that it might not be the best idea. I was very intgruiged by this, as “group dynamics” usually means “i don’t want to move in with you”. Gus enters conflict mode, which for me is a very calm, collected, logical patter, asking questions calmly. I really had to, considering the shit that was about to come out of his mouth. Firstly, he said “oh… i’m just a bit worried about Sarah… i don’t know her”. Tim knows damn well that she’s one of my best friends (and an ex-gf), and that i’m putting the same trust in him with his mate, Chris, who’s meant to be moving in too. I smelt something fishy, so I dug deeper. Then came the corker… “I don’t know… I guess it could be wierd with you bringing home ppl all the time.. it’s not something I’d do”. I almost blew my top right then. I have never been so angry for many many months. He had the NERVE to judge me, because he’s just come out of a 18-month relationship and had all these puritanical values (he’s been trying to pick up since then, but to no avail. THAT, and the insinuation that I’m a slut. I know some of the things I say in this journal makes ppl believe that.. I say it about myself, but that is just a self-hating tactic I have. I am really nowhere near as bad as I accuse myself of being (in the grand scheme of things)… I still do have my dignity about me. And then came out more shit from Timmy’s mouth.. he started saying “oh.. we were thinking we could get these two swedish chicks we met the other night to move in with us… they’re sooo hot!”. OMG I HAVE NEVER HEARD ANYTHING SO CHILDISH IN MY LIFE!! I was pretty much saying to him.. “TIMMY, YOU CANNOT FUCK YOUR HOUSEMATES! BAD KARMA“… his pants are actually influencing his decision to move out, which is not a small one in anyone’s life! Then came out more… Tim apparently has these ideas that he’s going to bring heaps of girls home and entertain them, show them his ritzy lifestyle.. and it wasn’t cool to have a fag living there (not his words, my interpretation, and an accurate interpretations as translated by dave). OMG I have never been so angry in my life. This homophobic prick is meant to be one of my best mates. So I left that little bit out of yesterday’s journal entry.
Anyway, after seeing Tim, decided to go and get my hair cut!!! YAY!
My New Hair Cut!
Anyway, the plan for tonight is to go and see my fledgling queer and talk to him about the gay life and what he’s in for! hahah oh dear..
You are Form 1, Goddess: The Creator.
“And The Goddess planted the acorn of life.
She cried a single tear and shed a single drop
of blood upon the earth where she buried it.
From her blood and tear, the acorn grew into
the world.”
Some examples of the Goddess Form are Gaia (Greek),
Jehova (Christian), and Brahma (Indian).
The Goddess is associated with the concept of
creation, the number 1, and the element of
earth.
Her sign is the dawn sun.
As a member of Form 1, you are a charismatic
individual and people are drawn to you.
Although sometimes you may seem emotionally
distant, you are deeply in tune with other
people’s feelings and have tremendous empathy.
Sometimes you have a tendency to neglect your
own self. Goddesses are the best friends to
have because they’re always willing to help.
Which Mythological Form Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
With the launching of the 3rd season of QAF in Australia, I couldn’t help but watch a few episodes. Of course, I somehow managed to acquire the 3rd season on computer about 6 months ago, so I loaded up Episode 14 (the final) and watched. Few TV shows manage to stir emotions in me, but that episode never fails to bring a joyful tear to my eye. For those who have not seen the 3rd season yet, you’re in for a hell of a ride. Gay Pride.. it’s a wonderful thing 
Well.. today.. back in Sydney, back into the grind! *sobs* Life is so much simpler at 8,000′ with an eagle on your wingtip.
Went to uni… ran into college friends (one of which who wants to set me up with a 24 y/o shy italian guy), and then came home for a bit and tried to do work. I keep getting distracted by MSN! my contact list has ballooned out to about 140 people. I have had 6 ppl contact me from mogenic today. Yesterday, it was 7. I can’t keep up. I log onto MSN, and withing seconds I have 11 conversation windows fly open. So I removed the profiles again. It’s just too much for the system.. I can’t keep up! It’s hard to be friendly and engaging to so many people at once, and I find I’m spreading myself too thinly, and neglecting friends. So the list has been culled! Gus is sick of online. There is only so much good one can get from it.
Though one interesting thing… I was sent a very tentative and scared email by a guy who saw my profile, and decided to message me. He wasn’t out at all… I was the first person he’d mentioned it to… Anyway.. in usual gus style, I take the newby under my wing… have just gotten off the phone to him after an hour-long conversation. He’s from an extremely similar background to me… so I know I will be able to help him It makes me feel good…I’ve never had anyone come out to me.. now I’ve got a little project!
Anyway.. very tired… need bed.. assignment due thursday! *whimpers*
*mwa* to all!
Well.. I’m back in Sydney! *sobs*
Oh well.. can’t have too much of a good thing.. you lose track of reality! hahaha
Today I learnt a valuable lesson:
Warning.. the following cut does NOT have dial-up friendly content!
Warning… photos of a very ugly Gus behind cut
I don’t know exactly what I got up to last night… two young pilot mates of mine were looking to hook up with these girls that they met the night before at the Oxford Tavern in Bathurst, so they took them out to dinner. I was dragged along.. ‘cos hey.. it never hurts to have a fag come along too.. it’s not as if i’m any competition! We ended up at some uni share house, drinking until god knows what hour.
Woke up this morning feeling rather seedy. Had a cigarette…. felt even seedier. Have NO idea why… but I have been determined to properly learn stall turns ever since I fucked my last one up, and entered a tail-slid (they are NOT fun.. even though the guy in the front laughed his head off). So I grabbed Brett, threw him in the front, and said “show me!”. Well, stall turns are not as hard as they seem.. it’s just a matter of going vertical, and feeding the rudder in continuously until she hangs in midair, and then keep the controls steady as she drops the nose sideways and goes straight down. If you leave it too late, she slides backwards, and if you do it too early, you just end up in a chandelle or a spin.
Anyway.. that flight was fine.. I was feeling very seedy after I got down, so I lay down for a bit. The sky was booming, but I really could not be bothered pulling the libelle out of the hanger, doing her Inspection, wiping her down then putting her on the flight line. So when the Puchacz came down, I grabbed some poor unlucky guy and said “let’s go do some aeros!”. He seemed very interested in that! I sat in the back seat again.. and my were the thermals booming! 8kts straight up! Got to about 8,500′ and decided to do some aero sequences. I showed the guy the stall turns I had just learnt.. freaked him out a little. He wanted to do aerobatics, but thought that stall turns were a little too freaky and dangerous for him. So I gave him the controls and let him do a whole bunch of aerobatic sequences. That was all fine.. did a lot of wingovers, chandelles, and loops.. all in quick succession. All very fine for the pilot… but with poor Gus sitting in the back , not having control, it is a very seedy exeperience to be going from -1 to +4 G’s in rapid succession many times in a row! Your stomach gets upset! I managed to hold on and feel ok… took over flying for a bit… then yep.. hit a huge patch of sink, neg g’s, and it was all over rover. Felt better, so pulled the airbrakes and entered circuit. Was quite amusing actually (and a tad freaky) as there was another glider in exactly the same position on circuit… we ended up doing a dual finish, with both of us making our final approach and landing side by side. It would have been quite a photo opportunity if I hadn’t been so busy trying to land!
Anyway, I’ve got some photos that I took.. I didn’t take as many photos as I wanted this weekend.. i’m waiting to get my new camera for my 21st… then I will be a complete shutterbug.
The ASH-25… a beautiful machine!
Over the side in a wingover!
Ok… this one is quite funny. “We’re goin’ ballistic Mav… go get ‘em!”
This one was taken during an aerobatic maneuvre.. I guarantee you’d look this ugly too if you were pulling 4G’s sustained! It does wierd things to your face!! hahahaha
On another note.. I was quite distraught when I found out the true secrets to Aaron and Keith. Those two I suppose have been my idols… they are both extremely accomplished glider pilots, and have been together for 14 years. They provide me with hope when I think that it is impossible to have a long-term monogomous gay relationship. However, I found out that Keith quite often goes around sleeping with other guys, much to the dismay of Aaron who only wants to be with Keith. And it hurts Aaron a lot, yet he stays. This just dashed all my hopes…. I thought that they were proof that it could work.. obviously it can’t.
|
Well, didn’t get airborne today. Woke up a bit late after last night, and well, the weather wasn’t particularly brilliant. Was just getting myself ready to get the Libelle out, and a thunderstorm appeared overhead. Flashes of lighting, thunder etc, looked pretty benign. Then she unzipped her fly… and down it came on top of us. The gloud turned greenish-blue, and then came the hail. The entire fleet was out on the flight line, including the two K-13′s… and we were getting pelted by hail. So all hands on deck to get them back in the hangar! Got absolutely soaked.. but that’s the fun of gliding :p
Decided not to go up this afternoon…. got a lot of other things I have to do. Am doing my website atm… got quite a few good ideas… just need a night alone and a few cups of coffee heh heh. I just want to get it done. He still hasn’t paid me yet.. and I am getting quite annoyed… i need that money! And maybe later tonight I’ll do some maths tutorials and assignments that are due in this week. They’ve gotta be done. But things are going along well… I need some ciggies though so I might pop into town and pick up another pack. And a razor… I actually have some face-fuzz atm! Is quite freaky… this has taken me about 2 weeks to grow! hahaha I’m allowed to though… I’m in bathurst and no-one has to see me! lol
Anyway.. looking forward to a more relaxing night tonight. Apparently I broke Big Gay Andy’s heart last night… poor old man. Feel sorry for him. Oh well!
(sent via CDMA)
Well, it’s 4:20am on sunday morning. Just been out for a huge night on the town in Bathurst.
I love this… I fly during the day, I’m in the place I love, yet I don’t skip the social scene.
Troy wanted to meet up with me… he lives in Oberon (about 1/2 an hour from Bathurst, where my folk’s farm is), and every time I’ve been up there, he’s wanted to meet with me. So I gave in this time.. I went and met him. Damn was he cute. And camp. (but that’s ok if they have the looks to pull it off). Problem was he was 15 and a virgin. Now whilst my morals have been slipping considerably, I think I have to draw the line there. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. Something screamed “wrong!” and I backed out. He sent me a lot of SMS’s after I left, telling me how he would have fucked me etc etc… and I’m not sure how to reply. My dick says “goddamn, yes!” whereas my head says “wait up. Problems ahead”. And for once I listened to my head! What I have decided is that I will let it wait, at least until he is 16 and not technically illegal. That’s my first reason. Plus… I don’t think it’s fair that he lose his cherry to someone who really can’t logistically be a bf to him.
Anyway, left his place at 11:30 and got to Bathurst at midnight, where I had arranged to meet some fellow younger pilots for a few drinks and a dance at some local establishments. Went to the Oxford (aptly named)… it was the only happening place in town! And LOTS of young people there… it was great! The music was good… the scenery was good.. and the crowd 99% straight and footy-jock. Oh well, you get that. Country town… hardly anyone is out up here. Funny thing though.. I was caught checking out a guy by this old guy (about 39) who had a belly second to none (i.e. he was quite damn unattractive)… anyway.. start talking to him.. he’s buying me drinks all night. Sweet guy… interesting.. but fully WAY TO OLD AND NOT ATTRACTIVE. I don’t care how sweet they are.. there has to be some chemistry… fat / hairy / 39 just doesn’t do it for me. He was a fire fighter up there… and invited me around to see his “fire truck”. He said quite plainly that he doesn’t like guys over 25… and I sorta thought “wow! that makes two of us!”. But funny stuff. To think that here I am, on my holiday, away from Sydney and all it’s hassles, in a completely redneck community, and I’m still picking up (so to speak)
Anyway, I’m sitting in the club house at the moment at Bathurst.. briefing is at 9am this morning, so I should probably get some sleep. I mentioned to a cute guy I met tonight that I would give him a flight if he came out tomorrow… be interesting to see if he does. I doubt it though. I might take Chris up for a mutual at some point.. do some aerobatics. And I’ll spend sunday night working on my maths and website.. I gotta keep that in the picture. Everything in it’s right perspective! Anyway.. I’m off to bed.. goodnight all!! *mwa*
(Send via CDMA)
Just touched down after an awesome yet interesting day!
Am out at Bathurst NSW, and finally got a flight in an ASH-25! (for my non-pilot readers… it’s worth about $250,000). Woke up at 11am this morning, and already there were cumulus in the sky, so I knew that it was destined to be a rough day with possible overdevelopment or massive thunderstorms.
Washed the huge machine down at about midday (not easy considering the wings are 25 metres long) and took off with Aaron in the front seat and me in the back. The thing that amazed me most was how much the wings flexed! The bent up at least a metre (as can be seen from some of my shots! The thermals were a bit dicey… very tight and very fragmented, with tempting 9kt cores but very tight, and the ASH25 isn’t the best when it comes to roll! However, managed to stay aloft and hunt down some stronger thermals as we got higher. Cloudbase was 8,000′ and whilst there were strong cumulus in the sky, they were cycling quickly, and we saw a massive storm cell build over Orange, creating an anvil that moved over our area and cut off the sun.
Unfortunately, and this is REALLY embarrassing… I got sick for the first time in a glider! I’ve been flying for 6, almost 7 years now, and the only other time I felt queasy was on my very first flight in a glider. However, the combination of me not flying, sitting in the back between the wings, and being an extremely turbulent day, caused me to lose it. Stayed up though… didn’t decide to come down. So that was pretty embarrassing, until I got on the ground and found out that I was definately not the only one in that glider! Other people with steel stomachs have often lost their lunch with that combination.
However, the storm cell began to move closer and closer, and eventually a little too close for comfort. Lightning was flashing around, there was lots of virga (rain) and the sky had turned absolutely black. So, decided to come down. Good timing too, because as soon as we got the glider to safety, the downdrafts started and the wind increased suddenly, rain came down, and there was a green tinge to the clouds, indicating hail.
Got two more days of flying to go! Want to go for a fly in the libelle tomorrow, or even take the DG505 out on a mutual. There are plans being set up to do a 750km.. but I think I might attempt my 500km first! Hell.. I’m so rusty I shouldn’t be doing more than 300kms really! lol
Anyway.. until tomorrow! I’ll leave you with some gratuitous glider shots taken today from my digital camera.
DG300 HDZ
Pilot: DG300 – Robert Bull
ASH-25 – Aaron Stroop
Photo: A Stewart (taken from ASH-25)
DG300 and ASH25 Wing
Photo: A Stewart (taken from ASH-25)
(Sent via CDMA)
(x-posted to
Ok. So it’s 3am, and i’m sitting in the middle of a paddock writing this on my laptop (the little darling seems to like the cold mountain air). My breath is condensing into water vapour and making it seem a little foggy. But at the same time, it’s beautifully clear up here. You can taste the crisp air, and I just have to tilt my head backwards to see the Milky Way as a band of thousands upon thousands of stars above me. Right up in front of me, just a little to the right, is the Southern Cross. Below the Southern Cross glitters the lights from the town of Bathurst. Yes, i’m miles away from nowhere, and I’ve decided to write a post!
I really enjoy this country air.. it’s just so clear. I can see the lights of Raglan Airport and a taxiing aircraft (what it’s doing moving about at 3am on a Saturday morning beats the hell out of me). The town is asleep, and I am pondering under the night sky.
Would I call this my “thinking place” or my special place? No.. not really. I don’t think I have one. I find so many places in the country beautiful. There is no-one around… nof a sound. Completely silent. The only light is the stars, the town of Bathurst, and my screen. I can barely see what I am typing (thank god for touch-typing skills!).
I can’t wait for the rest of today.
(Sent via CDMA)
