VolaciousNet

Hmmm.. decided to do a cleanup on my computer, and found some old files from high school I thought I’d lost!
Managed to dig up some old songs that I composed, in particular an old rag-time dance I wrote in my final year, and the symphony I composed when I was 15. Ahhh.. so nostalgic! I think I really enjoyed my music back then… I spent so much time on those compostions.. Ahh, how things have changed.Here it is:

It sounds so wierd now… I wish I had all the cool mixing software that is so easily available now. I’ve often thought of getting back into composition, perhaps some ballads for voice / piano. Oh well.. something else to occupy me!!

Well, it’s 4am and I’ve just finished that GOD AWFUL essay. Yes… it’s DONE!
My god.. it was more painful than pulling teeth. But it’s over now. I’m going to submit it to the lecturer, with a good sob story and some embellishments on the truth, and see if I can get any leniancy whatsoever. I doubt it. Oh well.. I probably deserve a shithouse mark anyway.
I just want this week to be over! It has been such a disaster which I never really want to repeat again.. and I fear I will have paid a pretty nasty price. But it is not completely lost yet.
I am feeling a bit better about myself now that I have two assignments completed tonight. One on time, one not, but done anyway. One not completed, but worth 5% so I’m willing to cop it sweet and hand it in next monday anyway.

I guess it’s been another learning experience… the pain of the past few days has reminded me that sometimes I really just have to do whatever it takes. And it’s good, because I’m learning self-discipline. It’s not as easy as it sounds though, because my mind is fighting me every step of the way. Whatever fucked up chemical process is going on in there, causing this spell of depression, doesn’t make it any fucking easier. I’ll get through it though. I always do.

I’m really really looking forward to this weekend! In particular Saturday. I haven’t been this excited about anything for a long time… I think it’s a good sign. It shows a progression from my previous apathy for everything in life towards actually being interested in something / someone. It’s something and if I can just grasp a hold of that feeling, I might be able to hoist myself out of this shit. Adam’s coming over at 9am in the morning to pick me up, and I know nothing about his plans except for the fact that he asked me to keep the entire day and night free. It’s just so great to have someone put in an effort for me JUST ONCE, rather than me having to organise everything. I don’t mind doing all the work sometimes, but really it can get to you. I haven’t told him yet that I’m on A/D’s, I plan to do it on the weekend. I’m pretty sure he will understand.

Anyway, I’m going to have one last cigarette before grabbing some Z’s on the couch. I’ve got enough time for a few hours of sleep before getting back into it for the rest of Friday. As long as I’m awake for my first shift at work, that’s all that matters!

Thanks to those ppl that commented on the last post. Even though the thoughts put on there were very introspective, it was nice that some people take the time.
It’s true… I’m not well. But like any illness, I’ll get over it. It just really really annoys me.

Anyway, tomorrow I start my new job! I’m going to a wedding reception at Curzon Hall, which is quite amusing considering that the exact same place my brother got married some 5-6 years ago. Where I proved that my calling was on the stage, reading my speech as Best Man and bringing the house down. Speaking of which…James tells me that Natalie is due within the week! Looks like my parents are going to be in France when their grandson / granddaughter arrives. Oh well.. I will have to take pictures for them!

Wow!!!! Gussy is finally single no longer! The longest single period of my life (save the first 19 years) appears to be over. On Monday, Adam came over to my place, after doing fire hazard training literally down the road from me, and we had a great time, and we pretty much decided it was going to be official. Why not, eh? He is absolutely adorable! Yes boys and girls, Gus is s-c-h-m-i-t-t-e-n!!
*sighs*
*looks at cup of coffee*
*smiles*

Aaaaaalso.. went and bought myself a bookcase today for my room… the cardboard box excuse I have for storing my books and files finally fell apart on me. So now, for $30, I have a great bookshelf that even goes with my room’s colour scheme! hahaha . Needed a bit of retail therapy though.

So that’s nice. All is not peachy though. I’m still having a lot of trouble getting myself into doing the uni work.

Self discipline. That’s all it is really isn’t it? Then why do I have absolutely NONE of it?
My essay is now 30 hours overdue. It’s worth 30%. I fuck this up, I’ve pretty much failed. NOT good. Soooooo Gus…what are you going to do? That’s right. Sleep on the sofa. Eeeeexcellent.

Energy levels still aren’t brilliant. Went to see the psych this morning, He’s upped the dosage on the A/D’s… doubling it for the next 3 days then tripling it. Luverly. Got a few important tactics sorted out today.. but as soon as I got home I collapsed on the couch and didn’t wake up until 5pm. That’ll teach me for not sleeping last night. My body hates me, but that’s ok, ‘cos I hate it back.

My previous tactics of panicking myself no longer work.. I used to be able to convince myself of impending doom and make myself anxious, thus getting me to force some work out. Now the apathy is too much… I can’t get panicked. As I type this… I’m looking at the sofa and thinking how nice it would be just to get an hour or two of nap.

Ok. So I have to think of some positives. A bit of cognitive thinking is required here. Yes, this is a trying time and I need to get over it to become stronger. Yes, it’s forcing me to learn self-discipline. So what can I do? Where do I start? Start small.. do little bits. Make small achievements. As with regards to the essay.. I’m going to sit here and write for 1500 words, on whatever crap comes to mind. It is going to be shoddy. It is going to be substandard. But there is method in my madness. My perfectionistic nature is what is preventing me from starting… I don’t know exactly how to answer the question correctly, so I’m not starting. Well, I’m going to answer it in whatever way I like. At least that will get words on paper. At least I will get to the alpha draft. Once I have something down, I’m sure my mind will start to think a bit more clearly.
So it’s 11pm now… 3 hours of work. No stops. Sit here until its done. Let’s gooooo!!

I find it quite amusing that the police informally refer to Redfern Police Station as “Fort Alamo“…

It has to be said. I am not a morning person Yaaaaaaaaaawn

Well, today is my cram day. This week I was meant to be catching up on 5 weeks of uni work. So far, the only thing I have done productive is go flying for two day. I have no idea where the other days went. Oh well.

Finally quit the USYD Rifle Club yesterday. This has been a long time coming. Something tells me they weren’t that sad to see me go. I think it was a mixture of my lack of care and their homophobic attitude that made my exit just that much easier. I’ve been secretary and acting treasurer there for 3 years now… I’ve done my time. I handed over a pile of paperwork 1/2 metre high and was outta there. *dusts off hands*

Forensics also *finally* came around to dust the place.. found a shitload of fingerprints on the doors, but I suspect they were mostly ours. Oh well.. I doubt they’ll catch the people, but at lest due course was taken.

Now as for last night… was quite fun. Brent and Sarah went out to Star City, leaving poor Gussy home by himself. What a good chance to catch up on uni work! Naaaah. Wasn’t going to happen. Went out to Garret’s ( ) place with a 6-pack of Bundy and Coke, and had a nice fun evening with the boys. (including and ) Nothing too strenuous… lots of deep and meaningful conversation, including discussing the difference between the American and the Australian version of “sex”. believes that “sex” is defined as penetration only, but believes that it’s anything involving stimulation. I’m inclined to agree with but this is a democracy so I will pose it to the people:

After that, we made a short trip into oxford st and to Arq, which we found out was completely dead as. Thank god we didn’t pay anything to get in! However, I enjoyed the night as I actually got to spend time with a great bunch of people, have some intelligent conversation (define that how you will !!) and not have to worry about anything or try to prove anything. Fun had by all!