VolaciousNet

I know.. I so rarely do Protected Posts. But as I always say… I don’t keep secrets unless they’re not mine.
I know Adam reads this journal religiously and knows my passwords, so it wouldn’t matter whether I wrote a private post or a public one. It’s hard writing something pretending that my partner doesn’t read it, and whilst everything I write he already knows, seeing it in writing somehow makes it much more valid. I don’t get it.

The Evil Gaydar.com

For the past month or two, Adam has been signed up to http://www.gaydar.com.au with his profile, for the purpose of meeting friends, as well as a Mogenic profile. It’s hard to explain this… I didn’t really mind when he said he wanted to do it, but I was also still wary. Whilst I trust Adam implicitly, knowing that he doesn’t have that many gay friends and needs to meet some more, my past history has thrown up my guards, when I wish it wouldn’t. I broke up with Ryan because he was picking up online whilst going out with me. With Ryan, I first didn’t mind when he was using Mogenic, but when he started on Gaydar, I was very skeptical. I couldn’t help myself.. I always kept tabs on how often he logged on, and when it started getting more and more frequent, I knew I was in serious trouble.
Anyway, with Adam I convinced myself that I didn’t mind, and really, I didn’t. Sure, he got a fair few hits from people telling him how good looking and nice he was (Read: I want to fuck you), and it was probably good for his ego. Anyway, the point I’m getting at was that I started getting more and more… uncomfortable… especially when he was boasting about how many people he had contact him and how I had “better be a good boy because he has lots of offers” It was all in jest, that I know. As such, I told him that whilst I didn’t mind what he was doing, but it was good to be wise and not tease about it, because it was still an insecurity for me. I can’t help it.. I really can’t. I mean… that was the reason I broke up with my last serious bf. And whilst I love Adam more than the lot of ‘em put together, I just can’t help but always have that past hurt in the back of my mind.
As a result, he immediately removed his profiles from both Gaydar and Mogenic, and now I feel like I’m being a horrible controlling and possessive boyfriend. What do you think? I need some outside input on this one.
Out of interest, I went back hunting through my early LJ entries (one of the advantages of having a diary… looking over the past), and found this particular one which might explain my feelings…
Old post, (Ryan Era), 22nd November 2003

Anyway, that’s just one little thing that I’ve been pondering about. Overall, things are still fucking brilliant with him. It’s still a fairytale that I wouldn’t believe if I wasn’t living it myself.
It’s funny.. I usually detest or laugh at those people on LJ, dubbed “emo’s”, especially the fags, who fall in and out of pseudo-love faster than most people would believe possible. I just hope that I don’t sound like that sometimes! Oh hell.. it’s such an unusual and wonderful time, that no wonder I write about it all the time! Yes, there are many other parts to my life, but for some reason I only feel like writing about one subject! *sigh* Pathetic, aren’t I?

Anyway, will leave y’all with this collage I made this morning for him.. Got it properly printed and framed too.. I hope he likes it!

---

������Random Pressies are the Best

---

Caption:�Just decided it was time for a random present. I hope he like this one. Click here for a bigger version

Body Clock? Who cares about a body clock?
Yes, its 4am, and I’m wide awake. It may as well be midday for me.
My sleep patterns have been more and more out of kilter every day, resulting from my attempts to get rid of Windows XP and install Debian Linux instead.
This has caused a few problems that i’m a little bit concerned about. To start off with, this is sounding too familiar to last semester. Becoming engrossed with something that, really, doesn’t mean that much. Uni is a lot more important this semester.

The Spin Doctor Strikes Back

Speaking of uni.. all my results are *finally* back. I failed 3 out of 5 subjects. Not good, huh? The final result for INFS2000 came through the other day… 35. Bugger. And that was a subject I was perfectly capable of too.
Now here’s the interesting part. Not one of those Fails is going to appear on my Transcript. It’s like they were never there.
After my effort with the Dean of Engineering last week, the engineering faculty had no problems whatsoever giving me a DNF (Discontinue Not Fail) in both subjects. No worries.. just do them again when you feel  up to it they said. The Engineering Faculty is like that. Know which hands to shake, who to keep onside, and you can go anywhere.
The Commerce Faculty was always going to be a much bigger challenge. On the whole, they are much more beaurocratical and rigid with enrolments, and I couldn’t just waltz up to the boss and beg for forgiveness and expect to get away with it. However, here’s the interesting thing. Just as I’m preparing myself to write a patented Spin Docâ„¢ email, I get a personal email from the head of Business and Information Studies, who was my lecturer’s boss, stating that whilst they had awarded me a fail, they were willing to offer me three options. Either I could complete a few more assessments, and complete the course in the first few weeks of semester. Or, I could discuss a way to prove to them that I was capable of passing the course. The final option was to just delete the Fail from my transcript and pretened it never existed. How good is that???? Offered to me before I could even approach them. I think i’m going to take the first option and get this course out of my way as soon as possible. Still, I’m stoked!!!

Anyway, short post for now. I’m about to write a more detailed “Friends-only” entry, which as i’m sure you people know is something I very rarely do!

The Freezing Terkey
Days without Smoking:	13

Poor . Couldn’t get his Dilbert. Will have to post for him.
Sunday

---

Monday

---

Tuesday

I feel I have done my good deed for the day by sharing these gems with the world! :p

Well, it has been a few days since I’ve updated this. And there is so much to tell. In true style, I will post it in sections, as in some vain attempt to rationalise and structure my life. But before I do that… I have something like 210 friends posts to read through and comment on. I have not really touched LJ for the past few days, not from laziness, but from actually not being around a computer! I have been working for the past 5 days almost non-stop, trying to earn some money. That, and Adam has been here since Tuesday! He’s still here, but I’m going to have to demand some Gussy-Timeâ„¢ so as to be able to do my geeky things like write LJ entries and write email correspondence.

But first-o-first, I have realised that I have *never* written out one of those really long “self-quiz” things, and I will indulge myself by completing one, and indulging everyone else by hiding it behind a cut.

---

• × •I N F O R M A T I O N • × •
Name: A Stewart
Single or taken: Taaaaaken
Sex: Male
Birthday: 16th Feb 1983
Sign: Aquarius
Siblings: James, age 30, married, with 1 child

• × • R E L A T I O N S H I P S • × •
Are you straight/bisexual/gay?: Gay
Who are your best friends?: Davo, Sarah
You have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: Yup
How many exes do you have?: 4
What is your longest relationship? : 3.5 months and counting
What was your shortest relationship?: ohh… 1 week maybe? defining a relationship is a very difficult thing

• × • F A S H I O N | S T U F F • × •
Where is your favourite place to shop for clothes: Tarocash. Giordano, Mossimo
Any tattoos or piercings: Nope
Favorite designer?: Ahhh… Ben Sherman
What is your sexiest outfit?: Black pin-stripe Mossimo Shirt, plus v. tight Mossimo jeans..
What is your most comfortable outfit?: Ohhh.. black Ben Sherman shirt, beige Tarocash trousers, brown Rivers shoes. Very preppy
What do you usually wear?: Usually the above

• × • S P E C I F I C S • × •
Do you do drugs?: No.. tried it once or twice (pills) but never caught on
What kind of shampoo do you use?: Palmolive for colour treated hair
What are you most scared of?: Depression
What are you listening to right now: Adam whinging at the computer
Who is the last person that called you?: Dad
Where do you want to get married? It’s illegal to…. so who cares?
How many buddies are online right now?: MSN isn’t open would you believe
What would you change about yourself?: Be better motivated

• × • F A V O R I T E S • × •
Colors: Purple
Foods: Bacon –>Yummeh….
Boys names: Justin
Subjects in school: Music, Science
Animals: Burmese Cats

• × • H A V E | Y O U | E V E R • × •
Given anyone a bath?: does the cat count?
Smoked?: Yep. For two years. Quit 5 days ago.
Bungee jumped?: Nope. Skydived though.
Made yourself throw up?: Aye.. I think so.
Skinny dipped?: *giggles* yep
Ever been in love?: Aye.
Made yourself cry to get out of trouble?: When I was about 8
Pictured your crush naked?: Affirm
Actually seen your crush naked?: Affirm. And Damn he was fine. Str8 though.
Cried when someone died?: Hmmmm…. no
Lied: Yes yes.. but i’m really bad at it
Fallen for your best friend?: Nope
Been rejected?: Once maybe? Not sure… I don’t really think so.
Rejected someone?: Aye. I wasn’t a bitch about it though.
Used someone?: Nope.
Done something you regret?: Don’t have regrets.

• × • C U R R E N T • × •
Clothes: Not sure.. It’s laundry day…
Music: None unfortunately
Annoyance: Housemate currently
Smell: Sarah’s cashew nuts
Desktop picture: Picture of Adam.. Click here
CD in player: Nup
DVD in player: Whatever I failed to return to the video store

• × • L A S T | P E R S O N • × •
You touched: Adam
Hugged: Adam
You IMed: Aaron
You yelled at: Does “about to yell at” count?
You kissed: Adam

• × • A R E | Y O U • × •
Understanding: Very
Open-minded: Try to be. I can be a bit right-wing though.
Arrogant: If the time calls for it.
Insecure: To a small degree. A lot better than many others I know though.
Random: Purple monkeys rule
Hungry: Naaah
Smart: Yes, would you believe
Moody: Hmmm… more and more so these days
Hard working: That’s a big and definite “no”
Organized: See above
Healthy: And again, see above
Shy: No
Difficult: Hmmm… can be a bit obstinate sometimes
Attractive: People say so, but I can’t see it. I have nice eyes. That’s about it.
Bored easily: Hmm… what’s on TV…
Obsessed: Not really
Angry: Never
Sad: Sometimes
Happy: Only recently have I been so
Hyper: Ohhh… again… only recently
Trusting: Yes… sometimes to be detriment

• × • W H O | D O | Y O U | W A N N A • × •
Kill?: Hippies (This includes Socialists)
Slap: See above
Get really wasted with?: Davo
Get high with: Again
Talk to offline: Adam
Talk to online: No-one really. Really gone off the IM stuff.
Sex it up with: *grins evilly*

• × • R A N D O M • × •
In the morning I: need coffee and sex.
All you need is: see above
Love is: Beautiful, but dangerous if not treated with respect
I dream about: Being comfortable and happy
What do you notice first in the sex you’re into: The smile. If you don’t smile, you don’t have a chance with me.

• × • W H I C H | I S | B E T T E R • × •
Coke or Pepsi: Coke mmm. Only the original. Retro flavour the best.
Flowers or candy: Flowers *sighs*
Tall or short: Short I think…. I don’t like boys that tower over me.

• × • W H O • × •
Makes you laugh the most: I really don’t know
Makes you smile: The boi
Gives you a funny feeling when you see him/her: As above

• × • D O | Y O U | E V E R • × •
Sit on the internet all night waiting for that someone special to IM you?: I have done before *hides in shame*
Wish you were a member of the opposite sex?: Not a chance.
Wish you were younger: nope
Cried because someone said something to you?: Hmm… not for a few years

• × • N U M B E R • × •
Of times I have had my heart broken: Too fuckin’ many.
Of hearts I have broken: Only one or two… but after a week I don’t know if that counts.
Of guys I’ve kissed: oh god… aahh.. ummm… over 50
Of girls I’ve kissed: what counts as a kiss? probably about 10. They’re horrible at it though.
Of CD’s I own: Almost none (if by “own” you mean “legally”)
Of scars on my body: 3
Big noticable ones? Yes, on my right arm. Huge scars on boths sides running down entire length. Almost like Popeye.
Of things that I regret: I don’t regret anything.

************* THE-END ****************

---

Well, that’s enough of the quiz. Now down to the real stuff.. it’s going to be a long post, so I’m going to put it again behind a cut. I urge you to read this one rather than the last one… I just put it behind a cut because it is more than likely to hog up people’s friends pages.

---

Well, a fair bit has happened over the past few days

No More Meds

Well, after my “last exam” last friday, I decided to tone down the A/D’s to see how I go this week without them. Usually, you’re meant to ramp them down over a few weeks, taking 75 mg less every week until 0. Well, I decided that I wouldn’t do that… instead I went from 300mg to 0mg in about 2 days. To start with, the results were mixed, and a little bit scary. All of a sudden, I started to get very moody, both happy and sad, but in such quick succession that I thought that I was bipolar. I went to bed that night feeling very wierd… almost unable to sleep. For a few days, it was very wierd, and had some problems with the boy because I was so not in control of my emotions that I feared I would blow up for the smallest reason. *continues 3 days later with post* But anyway, as I’ve learnt (the hard way) that the best thing to do in those situations is to sit on the hands and just let the feeling pass. And sure enough, 3 hours later, I was completely over whatever I was cranky about, forgotten completely, and still madly in love with the boy. Since then, the moods have stabilised right out to a point now where I’m feeling right on top of things again. I haven’t seen the shrink for almost 3 weeks now, and frankly, I don’t want to. I’m sure he’s got people to spend his time on that are more fucked up than me. Half the problem with depression I think is the fact that you convince yourself that you aren’t well, and when combined with the physical chemical imbalances (lack of seratonin / neoadrenalin), creates a closed loop that perpetuates the feelings.
Of course, the other undesired side-effects that the meds had are now well and truly gone. Being candid as I may in my own journal (skip if need be)… sexual potency is right back up there, and the climax control I used to pride myself on is back, down to the very second. Yay! It means a lot to me.. I used to get very frustrated with the lack of libido and as such used to create tension in the relationship.

Now for the scheming

Well, I remember that the reason I took meds in the first place was because of lack of motivation. And even whilst on meds, motivation was at an all-time low. Now, I’m back on top of it, with so many schemes and plans up my sleeve, I’m going to keep myself busy and happy with every new day. To start off with, I have finally worked out what I’m going to do with uni, I know how long I have to go in my subjects, I’ve changed majors in my Commerce degree from Business Information Systems (read: Databases for Idiots) to Workplace and Industrial Relations. I always enjoyed Industrial Relations, hence I did well at it. And if I’m going to be a manager in the engineering sector, I have to know how to deal with unions and government departments. Plus, it helps as an employee, as I have seen too often people that get fucked over simply because they do not know what they are entitled to under their industry awards. In my Engineering degree, I now know exactly what I need to complete, when, and in what order to get the degree.
Also, with the crap that’s going on between my parents, it looks likely that the family company will be dissolved, releasing the $8k that I had stashed there. I could either choose to invest it, getting perhaps 10% over the next 10 years before its of any use to me, but considering my financial status now, and my abilities in project management and online skills, I was thinking of putting my money towards a higher-risk investment… becoming an entrepreneur! Yes, I would use that $8k as capital to start up my own company, more than likely web-based, but selling physical products in a niche market with high demand that hasn’t been fully explored yet. Because I could run it from my own home, and do all setup, maitenence and marketing by myself (there are some uses of being both a telco engineer and commerce student), I could quite easily run my own company, putting in the effort to make my enterprise grow. Plus, statistics clearly show that those who make it in this world financially often are the entrepreneurs, starting off young when the risk is small (no family / nest egg to protect). If I lose the $8k.. well it was a gift in the first place. If I make money, I will make a shitload of money. That’s the way it works.
As for other pipe dreams, I still have it in my plans to record my CD by the end of the year. I remember promising myself last year that I would have it done by July this year, but with all the fuck-ups, well, I shall just postpone. I have the piano and microphone out again, and have been doing a bit of practice every now and then… now its time to get into it!
My god.. just listen to me here… I have not heard myself talk like this with such aspirations for many many months. I am so happy and feeling in control now, it’s a beautiful feeling!

No More Smoking

Yes Yes you heard right! It’s been over a week now without a cigarette! My last cigarette was on Friday, almost 10 days ago now! And whilst I have had pangs of really wanting a ciggie, I have managed to fight it off, and have been doing really well at it too! I think its a whole chemical reaction too… my body has had such a chemical change, with the lack of A/D’s, that I’m at the point now where I assosciate cigarettes with the “bad old days”, and as such do not want to smoke! It’s such a wonderful feeling!

The Freezing Terkey
Days without Smoking:	10

It’s cheaper too! At an average of $30 / week on cigarettes, the money adds up! A friend of mine popped over briefly tonight to drop off my phone charger, and the cigarette smoke actually made me feel ill.
As a result, I’m now confident I can keep this quitting up for a long time to come! It’s a new Gussy, people!!!

Workin’ with da boi

Well, after work’s social night two weeks ago at Slip Inn in town, we let one of the admin staff know that Adam and I were actually a couple. Sure enough, being the good fag hag that particular staff member is, she went and told all the bosses, so now were are officially outed at work. I wasn’t worried about it at all… I mean hell, we are working in hospitality !! The interesting thing is though, one of our managers, who I’m 99% certain is gay, has decided to put us on nearly all of our shifts together, even at functions requring a very small amount of staff. So far this week we have done something like 5-6 shifts together at work, which is one of the reasons I haven’t really been able to update LJ as much as I would usually. Adam was a little apprehensive about working with me, and being around me even at work, but it really didn’t bother me. I seem to be able to make divisions in my mind between work and play, and whilst I stole quite a few knowing glances from him at work, and even a kiss when no-one was looking, it didn’t bother me at all that I was working with my partner. In any case, it gives me something decent to perve on at work! heh heh
So far this week we worked at the Statement Bar, which is a very classy nightclub / bar / lounge underneath the State Theatre, then Adam and I worked behind the bar at a Wake, then yesterday doing a Masquerade Ball at Curzon Hall in Marsfield. Twice we have been asked if we were related. We don’t look that alike, but people swore that we were at least cousins if not brothers. We didn’t have the heart to tell them the real connection! I think they would have choked.. heh heh

Bye Bye Garret!

It’s such a pity I haven’t been able to hang out with the Posseâ„¢ much in the past few months. Since Garret has now gone back to UNC Chapel Hill, we are going to miss him terribly!!! I think Nick is going to miss him the most.. as a pair they were lovely.. both of them gentlemen. In any case, I managed to pop around just before work and say bye to him and say hi to everyone else. It was so good to see everyone again, and even better that they finally got to meet Adam, even if it was only for about 30 minutes in total! Will have to make it up and go out for a big night drinking soon. I haven’t been properly social in such a long time. Now that I’m feeling a lot better about myself, it’s time to get back on top of my social life and get out there and stay active. Now that I intend on going to uni a lot more often, I’m sure I will actually start running into people on campus, as well as online / on the scene. Anyway Garret, make sure you keep us updated on your adventures back in the States.. we miss you already!

Heaven is a place on earth…

I know.. I’m just firing off a lot of random ideas when I’m writing this post.. a lot of it is simply thought-process and not structured in any way whatsoever. I have to say that the past 6 or so days have been absolutely wonderful. I have had Adam stay with me for the past 6 days, making almost 144 hours always in each other’s sight. Usually this would send any two people absolutely crazy, but for some reason I have really really enjoyed it! Today was just so indicative of the special romance that still remains, as strong or even stronger than ever. We decided that we would hijack Sarah’s bathroom, and have a bath together, by candlelight, watching a movie, and enjoying strawberries and cream, with a glass of white wine. It dawned on me then and there just how perfect things are, even well after the honeymoon period has come and gone. Sure, there have been times when I’ve been upset, frustrated, or unhappy with something, but we’re at the point where we’re learning how to deal with it and not to forget the bigger picture. I will continue to treat Adam like a prince for as long as he’ll let me.

---

I haven’t written down everything that’s been happening over the past few days, as its now 0130 hrs and I need to get some sleep before first day of uni. I will make more posts in the coming days, especially between lectures at uni, but overall I have to say things have taken a big look upwards in life. I am no longer fussed about my parents… I have done what I can, they have accepted my help in some ways and rejected it in others. At this point, I really just don’t care. I’m living my own life now, completely separate. And for myself, I have so much going for me at the moment, which I had simply forgotten or not embraced, and I have such potential to make such a difference in this world, that i’m not going to let some pathetic depressive episode ruin. Sure I’ll get upsets, and nothing ever goes the way you want it to, but fuck it, that’s life. I’ve felt both happier in the past few days than I have for the past 6 months, and I’ve also felt sadder at times than I have this entire year. But the important thing, is that you have to feel sad to appreciate the highs. It’s a part of feeling alive!. And I love it.

---

Gussy’s Random Pic of the Day

---

Caption: Remember, what goes around, comes around

“There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable.”
Mark Twain.

The Exam that Never Was

Well, Friday was meant to be my last exam. ELEC2101, Circuit Analysis. Believe it or not, I actually did a fair bit of work during the week, but to no avail. I still couldn’t do the past exam paper the day before, and the hours were clocking down, AGAIN. You know, I’m starting to get a little sick of this constant problem of being behind, cramming at the end, and ending up with a mediocre score and feeling terrible about myself. I think I’m reaching a new point in my life, and whilst I probably came to the epiphany I needed a few days ago, it was too late to save me from that exam. So, naturally, I had a good little mental breakdown, and gave up. At 1am on Friday morning, my semester was over. I had no chance of passing that exam, and better to get an Abset Fail and not have my mark count towards my WAM (GPA) than sit it and end up with a miserable mark that would haunt my average mark for years to come. So Gussy did the next best thing… he wrote a letter to the Dean. Unfortunately, I no longer hold the trump card I use to, (being personal friends with the Dean), as she has been replaced. However, I did meet this dean a few weeks ago at a Scholarship function, and talked to him for a bit. He seems nice enough. Basically, I had to write the letter of all letters pleading for my scholarship. Overall, I don’t really care about the Fail. Sure, I care, but its not irrecoverable. Losing the scholarship is. Hence it needs to be sorted out immediately. I went to uni and got an appointment to see the Dean on Tuesday, where I get to plead my case in person. I was awarded the scholarship for my interview skills. Now I’m going to use those skills to keep it. Gotta love the irony.

Surprise Housewarming

The original idea of going out to Retro Sexual at Arq was cancelled as I completely lacked the energy or motivationg… ’twas feeling a little bit down after not attending my last exam, and Adam had quite clearly expressed that he wasn’t really interested in going, and would go home. After my exam, I had drinks / cigarettes / coffee with Davo and also Sam, followed by a beer at the Marlborough, where it was decided that they would come over and have a quietish night in at my place, with a few drinks, and a game of cards / monopoly. I thought this was a GREAT idea, as I got to be with my boy, and save some money too. Plus, would have much rather be with friends. Anyway, in true Dave style, up he rocks with a car full of people, and a case of beer. Instant Party!!!! Gotta love it!
We got stuck into the booze, I enjoyed a lovely Shiraz that Adam bought for me earlier, got stuck into some scotch (Johnny Black of course!), and had a great time with some good friends. So we managed to keep our composure enough to play Monopoly, which I had only just bought at K-Mart a few hours earlier (Australian Edition, of course!) After all, what house is complete without its own Monopoly Board??
I can’t remember much of that game, except that if you went to Jail you had to scull Black Samba, which I have to attest is the most disgusting shit ever. Truth or Dare was played whenever a player landed on Community Chest, and I still remember what poor Audrey had to scull… a special concoction of my choosing. This is what the Shot of Death contained:

Worstershire Sauce

Orange Juice

Soy Sauce

Absinth

Milk
I have a photo of it.. will post it tomorrow. Overall, a highly enjoyable night!!!!

Down to the ‘Gong

Started off the day with a slight hangover, but thank God for Berocca is all I have to say. It truly is gold. The night before, I was rung up to do a shift at a ritzy golf club in Little Bay, so I managed to drag myself out of bed and do that. The shift wasn’t anything special, but nice and quiet, and got a few tips. Also, I was quite proud to say that the girl behind the bar was hitting on me big time. She was cute, early 20’s, thin, blonde, you know the deal. Nice to know I’ve still got it with the ladies!!! heh heh

Anyway, was offered another shift that night, but was due down in Wollongong that evening, so set off for a trip down the F6 to the ‘Gong. Have to say I’ve never ever been there before! Interesting little town… but bloody cold! Had dinner down there with Adam and ‘Nel, which was nice, and then went out to the Glasshouse Tavern, which is the place to go down there apparently. Oh myyyy… it may be a str8 bar overall, but jeez there were a lot of cuties there! I was pleasantly surprised by the standard of eye candy.
Was feeling a bit tired, so needed to down myself 3 double rum and cokes before I was sufficiently energetic enough to go nuts to Madonna’s “Like a Prayer”, which I have to say is one of my favourite songs! Right after it, they played Bad Cabbage’s You’re Rude, which I likewise go nuts to. I think I surprised Adam by my sudden boost of energy when this song came on! heh heh

I guess there was an interesting side to the night, one which I was surprised, and at the time annoyed about, but have since gotten over. At first when we got there, Adam refused to be affectionate at the pub, and even though there were many (str8) couples all over each other on the dance floor, all I could do was briefly touch hands when people weren’t looking. I guess that got me quite annoyed… I have well and truly become comfortable with my sexuality, and can see no reason to act any different from any of them. Maybe in a way I guess I sometimes like to stir, but all I wanted was a little kiss here and there. Unfortunately I didn’t get much of a chance to talk to him about it in person, but I brought it up briefly with his friend Nel the next day, and she explained that it really wasn’t that wise in the ‘Gong, and there could have been reason in his decision. I think I just overreacted because I was tired last night… but maybe the thing that scared me was that I have become one of those people that refuse to hide who I am, and who I love. Not to say I will flaunt it, not at all. I just refuse to have to hide. I remember making a vow to myself that I would never date a person who was in the closet, and it just scared me a little I guess. But its now all good. Just sometimes, you get the jitters, y’know?

And for Sunday…

Today, I *finally* got a big night’s sleep! Even though there were 3 of us to the bed (Adam, myself and Nel), I managed to get something like 13 hours sleep! was gooooood!
Anyway, went out this afternoon for coffee with Adam’s friend Nel, who we were staying with down there. Naturally, being two Aquarians, we could talk to each other about completely random crap and understand each other! Quite enjoyable. Left Wollongong and went up to see parents to try and pick up the Nicotine patches, after Adam literally made me sign a contract saying I wouldn’t smoke anymore. Naturally, things were quite icky at home, and I’m glad to be out of there. I’m worried about Dad, and worried about Mum, but after the blow-up I had at mum the other weekend, I am now going to keep well away from it, and see both of them as little as possible, because unfortunately Mum can’t help but always bring it up and try and skew things so that I support her. She doesn’t do it intentionally, but I feel really guilty after something I said to her tonight. Whilst discussing Dad’s company and how much it was worth, she tried to get me to back her up when she had a go at Dad about whether a company’s selling price included its liabilities as well as its equity.  Unfortunately I had to say that Dad was right, and when she tried to attack me for “not having any business experience, so how would I know”, I blew up and reminded her that I studied commerce and accounting as a degree, and she had to remember that she’s been a science teacher all her life. I feel horrible about having to do that, and I saw her bottom lip start quivering and her eyes glass over, but for God’s sake, it’s becoming absolutely ludicrous now. She, however unintentionally, gives very biased facts to those that ask, so I am very worried that her “advisors” that she listens to only know some of the facts. But enough of that. I need to apologise to her at some point, as I shouldn’t have shown her up in front of Dad.

Anyway, I’m on holidays now! I get an entire week! yay! *sighs*

Ok… time for a little bit of LJ procrastination… I have an exam tomorrow, and whilst i’m panicked, I’ve still got a BIG night ahead of me! Last exam.. I’m going to feel sooooo good after this! And go absolutely nuts at Arq to dodgy Retro music! (yes.. that is my secret guilty obsession… retro dancing! BRING IT OOOON!!

Yesterday was the 3-month anniversary of Adam and I !!! For those who get completely sickened by the mention of cheesy, corny romanticism, just skip this post… heh heh

The day of course started out like any other, except I was duly pounced on in the morning and presented a ring! I thought it was absolutely beautiful… and so special. I have a feeling I will be wearing it for a long time!! It’s two-toned white gold.. and inscribed on the inside is “Adam & Gus� 15.4.04″ Sooooo beautiful….

Of course, I had been scheming for quite a bit prior to yesterday, considering what wonderful thing I could do to repay such a beautiful gift…. and considering my limited financial status this week, I had to find something thoughtful but without a huge price tag… so this is what happened.

At 6:30, we drove up to Dee Why. where we had dinner beside the beach at a nice little italian restaurant called “The Bite”, whilst next door a nice Jazz band was playing. The food was quite nice, and complete with wood-fired pizza, and had some really good conversation over dinner about this, that and everything. That’s one of the things I love about Adam… I am able to had witty yet educated and intellectual conversation with him about nearly every topic under the sun. It’s so rare to find that in a guy I think. Anyway, after that, we went on a drive, through Manly, and up the mountain to North Head. I had only been there once, when Kurt took me there the night before I broke up with Ryan, and we both agreed that the place was so special, that when we took a boy there, it meant true love. So I took him there, and whilst it was a bit chilly, the view was spectacular, overlooking the Harbour, the city, and the ocean. The people of Sydney so often fail to realise what a beautiful city it is, and how gorgeous the harbour is. And, lit by the twinkling lights of the city, the stars, and the navigation buoys of the harbour, I looked into his eyes and told him I loved him. And I meant it. Really did.

But that wasn’t going to be the end of the night… oh no! After that, we went back home, and waiting for him was a bed covered in rose petals, and lit by candles, with some soft music playing in the background, which I had arranged before we left, but managed to hide it from him. I lay him down, and gave him a complete uninterrupted full-body massage. The image of last night… was so corny and romantic it could hardly be believed even by me. After that, we both fell asleep in each other’s arms, on a bed of rose petals.

——

Whilst massaging him, I of course thought about exactly what he meant to me. Could he be The Oneâ„¢? I don’t know just yet… but I tell ya what, he’s got a damn good chance at it! Things are going really well, and as long as things keep going as they are, or get stronger, then I can see no reason why it shouldn’t. I love the boy… I really do.

---

������The Ring

---

Caption:�The ring given to me yesterday morning by Adam on the anniversary of 3 months together. It’s a beautiful simple, yet elegant ring made from 9ct white gold, and looks so good on me. I can’t stop looking at it.

So far so good… it’s a beautiful clear winter’s day, everyone is relaxing on holidays, and here I am in the Engineering Library studying Circuit Analysis! *dances*
I’ve mapped out how much I need to learn before Friday… it’s going to be a hard slog, but I can do it. I just really REALLY don’t want to. I’m so sick of studying now. I’ve been in “uni mode” since January, when I did my Summer School courses. I want a holiday. But alas, no $$.
Well, as for my master recovery plan, things are slowly beginning to gain momentum. I’ve been getting some sleep, and actually eating during the day! yay for me! If I can work until 6pm, when Adam’s coming to pick me up from uni, I will be able to relax for the night properly, instead of the tense, worried states I’m in most nights. I’ve got 3 days.. just need to plan! And I’m actually studying at the moment… and now I’ve got a little bit of momentum, i should be able to keep it going….

I will update more later, but i’m on a roll now, so I’m going to keep at it!

‘later!

Doesn’t it make you feel old when they start calling ’90’s music “Retro”??

It’s come down to this. A Big LJ Post. I’m at a crux in my life, and I’ve just been given a big kick up the bum and been forced to take a step back to reconsider what on earth is happening.

Last Friday I was to sit again for Digital Signals Processing, as I was granted a supplementary. Understandably, I got myself to do a lot more study for this particular exam than I did for the first time I attempted it. I actually sat down for a decent amount of time, did practice quesitons, and nutted everything out to the best of my ability. I made myself do an all-nighter, and by the time I was leaving to go to the exam, I was feeling more or less satisfied that I finally understood the course. But it was not to be.
I was absolutely massacred in that exam. Any confidence that was there previously was ripped away, tendril by tendril. By about an hour in, I sat there in disbelief, unable to think, unable to do anything but despair. Now, I’ve done hard examinations before. Hell, I’ve failed examinations before, but this was different. This time, I knew that it wasn’t a case of not studying. The crucial element missing was the amount of work I did during the semester. There was no way in hell I could have passed, intelligent or not, without remaining on top of the coursework during the semester. DSP is probably one of the most difficult courses that is offered for electrical engineering, and I treated it as trivially as a first-year commerce subject.

A lot of this made me realise what a joke the past 6 months, nay, the past 18 have been, and how dangerous yet elusive depression can be. In times past, I have justified my lethargic states by events that had happened to me, last year starting with the Timmy episode, then my foolish attempts to work at a bar from 8pm until 4am on weekends and weeknights. I know that I was diagnosed with depression, and have been given meds to relieve the symptoms, but I have been in a mindframe where I didn’t really care whether I recovered or not from it. Ah yes, I knew that I could find strategies to get myself out, but what did I do about it? Nothing.

I wasn’t feeling too crash-hot yesterday. I was very angry with myself about letting myself get to the stage that I reached in the examination yesterday. I was angry with myself for letting my life pass before my eyes, like I was in some sort of trance without any control. I was frustrated that I had let myself get to 21 years of age, and still didn’t have any self-motivation or grasp, in any form whatsoever. Adam came over after he had finished work and had dinner with a friend of his, and I had a good bitch and moan to him, whilst he sat there and tried to comprehend the babble I was coming out with. One thing he said, which impacted on me a fair bit, as it has been said by others, is that “You care too much about what others think”. He was right, of course.

The North Shore Directive

Whilst I lay blame on no-one for my actions, my modus operandi, or my values, I know that there has been some very strong influences placed on me from external sources that has shaped my character and values, and only by being removed from them now, I can see how they have influenced my life.
One of the major factors that would influence the above-mentioned “You care too much about what others think” statement is the society I grew up in for the first 18 years of my life. Even though the first place I lived was in the country, down near Moss Vale, the first place I can remember was growing up in Carrington Rd, Wahroonga, which is up on the upper north shore of Sydney. Although it was relatively a “bush suburb” when we got there, acquiring a 1/2 acre block of land right near the Ku-ring-gai National Park. These days, a 1/2 block section of land up there would sell at close to $1 million, before you put a house on it. After that, our family moved to St Ives, also on the upper north shore.
Political Correctnessâ„¢ aside, I make an educated but generalised statement that the upper north shore of Sydney is primarily populated by the psuedo aristocracy of Sydney, rather than their genuine counterparts in the Eastern Suburbs. The St Ives Shopping Centre is a classic example of this. Every day at 9:30am, there is a sudden influx of Land Cruisers, Range Rovers, Prado’s, and other assorted 4WD’s as mothers drop their precious children off at school and go shopping. The parking lot is turned into a living nightmare as women in trucks realise they can’t fit into their parking spots, so instead drive up onto the curb and park there. Inside the shopping centre, there is wall-to-wall carpet, and soft music playing in the background. Numerous cafe’s and women’s beauty and fashion shops adorn the halls, and is usually populated by geriatrics or “society women”.
My mother loves it there. Although she has a job, unlike most of the “society women”, her self-image of pseudo-aristocracy and class makes her well at home there. Her father, once a wealthy industrial entrepreneur with millions of dollars to his name, raised his children to believe that they had to appear to be above all the other people in society.. after all, it was their right. Financial success was deemed the ultimate demonstration of worth, and perfectionism was the status quo. In any class-based society, even those based on false ideals, the values of the particular class is always filtered down through the generations, ensuring that the children would carry on the ideals of financial success and “keeping up appearances”.

Keeping Up Appearances That’s what its all about. Whatever you do, you must appear to always be in control. Don’t let anyone know that you’re week. Have everyone believe you’re superior. Wear something nice to the shops, because you don’t know who will be there and might see you. Don’t let people know that you have just broken up with your husband… oh what a scandal it would be! And my oh my, NEVER admit to anyone that your son is a homosexual! It just wouldn’t be proper!
Yes, I spout an obvious irony and distaste for the notions above. But what I didn’t realise was that it was exactly what I was doing. Maybe to a different extent that my mother was, but the source of influence is obvious.

All my life, I guess my motivations have generally spouted from external interests. I was accountable to everyone else, not myself. I learnt music, because my parents made me. Sure, I expressed the early interest, but the expectations and guilt of quitting ensured that I kept going. And the same with school… the expectations to perform has to be seen to be believed. Both of my parents never made it through uni, and my brother almost failed. The expectations on the youngest son to finally pull off a victory for the family was huge. The family needed a victory, because all the OTHER families had successful children, so why shouldn’t ours? My grandfather was awarded the University Medal. My cousin was topping her course, and was to be awarded the University Medal, but decided to go on exchange instead. So obviously, the pressure to perform is right there on top of me.

In social aspects too, I have always done what is expected of me, so that I would be seen as a good person. I am known to be extremely generous, very kind, and a good friend to all who meet me. This too, is me being accountable to everyone else and caring what they think of me. In a similar way, a lot of my frustrations with my earlier romantic life had stemmed from the “external view” stance… everyone else had a good boyfriend… I had to keep up this appearance of being superior!!

It can be argued that these “traits” are beneficial, but the problem is that it often comes at the detriment of myself. Maybe not often, rather always.
And herein lies the problem. All my life, I have performed to the standard I have, because I was pushed. I never found the motivations for myself to perform.. I just did it because it was expected of me. And now that the pressure is gone, and the hand that pushes has been taken away, I stand here bewildered, floating along without direction or motivation. It’s something that is extremely common in those from the type of society I was brought up in. Those that went to the fancy private schools. Many will get to uni and fail, or fail in the workforce. I disturbingly high proportion of them actually. The false pseudo-society that is the north shore is very dangerous to those that don’t wake up and smell the coffee.

Where to now?

Well, after that little tirade about why I think i’m in the predicament i’m in… what am I going to do about it?
Well, changing 18 years of past psychology is not an easy one. Physically, I am still dogged by the chemical imbalances in my body that links to depressive mindstates. I still find it extremely hard to get up in the morning, and often still find no point in eating, or simply can’t be bothered to do it. After waiting on tenderhooks for my Centrelink Youth Allowance to come through, I could at least go out and buy groceries yesterday. And I did.. something like $200 of it. I can eat again! yay! There was literally nothing at all to eat in this house.. I couldn’t believe I had let myself get to that point.
It’s difficult and lonely without Sarah, who is currently up in Brisbane, and when she’s in Sydney, she’s always at her boyfriend’s place. I didn’t sign up to live by myself, and I have well and truly since gotten cabin fever by being locked in here and pretending to study. And I realise that all of my motivations of the past were fuelled by sources which are no longer there. Yesterday I rang Mum and told her about me failing the exam.. she hardly said a word, and what she did say was pretty much “I told you so”. When I rang Dad, he was disappointed, and asked a lot of quesitons about how I was going to recover and attempt to keep my scholarship. Mum treated it as a confirmation that I was the failure she feared I would become. It was then that I realised that I really was my own entity.

This is a big thing for me. Sure, I’ve been living out of home since I was 18, but I was always accountable to others. The College… my parents… the university. Now I’m accountable to only one person… me. And it’s a bigger step than most people think, especially when I have to change where my motivations have to come from. I’m 21 years old, in the prime of my life, with a great place to live, financially surviving (just), and blessed with a partner that is too good to be true. Now is the time to get up there and make the most that I can out of this world. I am capable of doing anything I want.. the question is… what is it that I want to achieve out of this world? I only get a few decades on this earth.. what do I want to get out of it?

These questions will not be answered easily or quickly. I must make a structured approach first to getting myself out of this depression, and off the medication. I am now sick of functioning at half capacity. I am sick of the meds, and I know that all it takes is a little bit of structure to get me back up and firing again.
The first step I’m taking is a decent diet. With all my shopping of the past few days, I have bought so many veges and more-or-less healthy foods, that there is no excuse for me not eating well. I have planned out all my meals, and finally have the capacity and resources to be able to eat right.
The second step is my daily schedule… I find I actually feel a lot better waking up at 7am and getting on with the day, once I’m out of the bed. The thing is just getting me out of the bed to start with.
The third step is to take the time to actually sort this mess I live in out, and list down and prioritise everything I need to do, and everything I want to do.
That’s all I’m going to do for the moment. If I can achieve that over the next two weeks, I will feel a lot better about myself.

So that’s the plan over the next two weeks… eat properly, sleep properly, and prioritise. Sounds trivial I know, but there has been a lot of damage down from repeatedly missing all three of these continuously.
Wish me luck.

The Freezing Terkey
Days without Smoking:	1

Dies irae, dies illa
Calamitatis et misere.
Dies magna et amare valde.

Yes, it’s time for another exam! You can see that it’s serious when I start getting biblical and talking in Latin.
Just when all you lucky people are enjoying your holidays, here I am trying to cram albeit relatively unsuccessfully more useless facts into my misbehaving memory.
I’m going to make this a short post, as otherwise I will use it as yet ANOTHER procrastination tool !

Last night was interesting, working at Telstra Stadium for the State of Origin. I was working in the corporate suites, and had a relatively enjoyable night looking after 14 VIP’s who were relatively well behaved and went home shortly after the game, meaning I was finally able to make the last train out of Olympic Park Station. During my break, who do I run into just outside the dining room? Yes, my boyfriend! It was the first time I’ve actually run into him at work on shift, and we’ve been working for the same company for about a month now! Quite amusing. Made my night a whole lot more enjoyable anyway!

Speaking of which, I find it my proud duty to announce that I have finally broken my record!!!!
Yes, I’m now into my longest relationship ever and it doesn’t look like it’s going to stop anytime soon !!! yay!!!! I knew it was near to 3 months, but when I pulled up some dates from when I dated Daniel, I realised that we broke up after 2 months and 3 weeks, which I have now just passed with Adam. This coming wednesday marks 3 months. I am meant to be scheming for it, but I will do it tomorrow after my exam. I really gotta start putting things into priority.

Had a good talk to the doc today about the pressures of the upper-north-shore pseudo-aristocratic society I grew up in, and how I rebelled, and to some extent still do rebel, to their mindframe. I have decided that I’m going to have another one of my long rants about rebellion in general tomorrow or Saturday, after hearing about the QC conferences in Brisbane.

And as for the smoking… WELL… I have not had one today, and my fucking god do I want one. The day before a major exam that i’m stressed about, doing an all-nighter, and having just gone Cold Turkey, without Nicotine Patches. I’m very proud of the fact I’ve resisted.

With pride I shall now put down below the first “tally” of my non-smoking efforts…

The Freezing Terkey….
Days without Smoking :	2