Well, it has been a few days since I’ve updated this. And there is so much to tell. In true style, I will post it in sections, as in some vain attempt to rationalise and structure my life. But before I do that… I have something like 210 friends posts to read through and comment on. I have not really touched LJ for the past few days, not from laziness, but from actually not being around a computer! I have been working for the past 5 days almost non-stop, trying to earn some money. That, and Adam has been here since Tuesday! He’s still here, but I’m going to have to demand some Gussy-Timeâ„¢ so as to be able to do my geeky things like write LJ entries and write email correspondence.
But first-o-first, I have realised that I have *never* written out one of those really long “self-quiz” things, and I will indulge myself by completing one, and indulging everyone else by hiding it behind a cut.
• × •I N F O R M A T I O N • × •
Name: A Stewart
Single or taken: Taaaaaken
Sex: Male
Birthday: 16th Feb 1983
Sign: Aquarius
Siblings: James, age 30, married, with 1 child
• × • R E L A T I O N S H I P S • × •
Are you straight/bisexual/gay?: Gay
Who are your best friends?: Davo, Sarah
You have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: Yup
How many exes do you have?: 4
What is your longest relationship? : 3.5 months and counting
What was your shortest relationship?: ohh… 1 week maybe? defining a relationship is a very difficult thing
• × • F A S H I O N | S T U F F • × •
Where is your favourite place to shop for clothes: Tarocash. Giordano, Mossimo
Any tattoos or piercings: Nope
Favorite designer?: Ahhh… Ben Sherman
What is your sexiest outfit?: Black pin-stripe Mossimo Shirt, plus v. tight Mossimo jeans..
What is your most comfortable outfit?: Ohhh.. black Ben Sherman shirt, beige Tarocash trousers, brown Rivers shoes. Very preppy
What do you usually wear?: Usually the above
• × • S P E C I F I C S • × •
Do you do drugs?: No.. tried it once or twice (pills) but never caught on
What kind of shampoo do you use?: Palmolive for colour treated hair
What are you most scared of?: Depression
What are you listening to right now: Adam whinging at the computer
Who is the last person that called you?: Dad
Where do you want to get married? It’s illegal to…. so who cares?
How many buddies are online right now?: MSN isn’t open would you believe
What would you change about yourself?: Be better motivated
• × • F A V O R I T E S • × •
Colors: Purple
Foods: Bacon –>Yummeh….
Boys names: Justin
Subjects in school: Music, Science
Animals: Burmese Cats
• × • H A V E | Y O U | E V E R • × •
Given anyone a bath?: does the cat count?
Smoked?: Yep. For two years. Quit 5 days ago.
Bungee jumped?: Nope. Skydived though.
Made yourself throw up?: Aye.. I think so.
Skinny dipped?: *giggles* yep
Ever been in love?: Aye.
Made yourself cry to get out of trouble?: When I was about 8
Pictured your crush naked?: Affirm
Actually seen your crush naked?: Affirm. And Damn he was fine. Str8 though.
Cried when someone died?: Hmmmm…. no
Lied: Yes yes.. but i’m really bad at it
Fallen for your best friend?: Nope
Been rejected?: Once maybe? Not sure… I don’t really think so.
Rejected someone?: Aye. I wasn’t a bitch about it though.
Used someone?: Nope.
Done something you regret?: Don’t have regrets.
• × • C U R R E N T • × •
Clothes: Not sure.. It’s laundry day…
Music: None unfortunately
Annoyance: Housemate currently
Smell: Sarah’s cashew nuts
Desktop picture: Picture of Adam.. Click here
CD in player: Nup
DVD in player: Whatever I failed to return to the video store
• × • L A S T | P E R S O N • × •
You touched: Adam
Hugged: Adam
You IMed: Aaron
You yelled at: Does “about to yell at” count?
You kissed: Adam
• × • A R E | Y O U • × •
Understanding: Very
Open-minded: Try to be. I can be a bit right-wing though.
Arrogant: If the time calls for it.
Insecure: To a small degree. A lot better than many others I know though.
Random: Purple monkeys rule
Hungry: Naaah
Smart: Yes, would you believe
Moody: Hmmm… more and more so these days
Hard working: That’s a big and definite “no”
Organized: See above
Healthy: And again, see above
Shy: No
Difficult: Hmmm… can be a bit obstinate sometimes
Attractive: People say so, but I can’t see it. I have nice eyes. That’s about it.
Bored easily: Hmm… what’s on TV…
Obsessed: Not really
Angry: Never
Sad: Sometimes
Happy: Only recently have I been so
Hyper: Ohhh… again… only recently
Trusting: Yes… sometimes to be detriment
• × • W H O | D O | Y O U | W A N N A • × •
Kill?: Hippies (This includes Socialists)
Slap: See above
Get really wasted with?: Davo
Get high with: Again
Talk to offline: Adam
Talk to online: No-one really. Really gone off the IM stuff.
Sex it up with: *grins evilly*
• × • R A N D O M • × •
In the morning I: need coffee and sex.
All you need is: see above
Love is: Beautiful, but dangerous if not treated with respect
I dream about: Being comfortable and happy
What do you notice first in the sex you’re into: The smile. If you don’t smile, you don’t have a chance with me.
• × • W H I C H | I S | B E T T E R • × •
Coke or Pepsi: Coke mmm. Only the original. Retro flavour the best.
Flowers or candy: Flowers *sighs*
Tall or short: Short I think…. I don’t like boys that tower over me.
• × • W H O • × •
Makes you laugh the most: I really don’t know
Makes you smile: The boi
Gives you a funny feeling when you see him/her: As above
• × • D O | Y O U | E V E R • × •
Sit on the internet all night waiting for that someone special to IM you?: I have done before *hides in shame*
Wish you were a member of the opposite sex?: Not a chance.
Wish you were younger: nope
Cried because someone said something to you?: Hmm… not for a few years
• × • N U M B E R • × •
Of times I have had my heart broken: Too fuckin’ many.
Of hearts I have broken: Only one or two… but after a week I don’t know if that counts.
Of guys I’ve kissed: oh god… aahh.. ummm… over 50
Of girls I’ve kissed: what counts as a kiss? probably about 10. They’re horrible at it though.
Of CD’s I own: Almost none (if by “own” you mean “legally”)
Of scars on my body: 3
Big noticable ones? Yes, on my right arm. Huge scars on boths sides running down entire length. Almost like Popeye.
Of things that I regret: I don’t regret anything.
************* THE-END ****************
Well, that’s enough of the quiz. Now down to the real stuff.. it’s going to be a long post, so I’m going to put it again behind a cut. I urge you to read this one rather than the last one… I just put it behind a cut because it is more than likely to hog up people’s friends pages.
Well, a fair bit has happened over the past few days
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No More Meds |
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Well, after my “last exam” last friday, I decided to tone down the A/D’s to see how I go this week without them. Usually, you’re meant to ramp them down over a few weeks, taking 75 mg less every week until 0. Well, I decided that I wouldn’t do that… instead I went from 300mg to 0mg in about 2 days. To start with, the results were mixed, and a little bit scary. All of a sudden, I started to get very moody, both happy and sad, but in such quick succession that I thought that I was bipolar. I went to bed that night feeling very wierd… almost unable to sleep. For a few days, it was very wierd, and had some problems with the boy because I was so not in control of my emotions that I feared I would blow up for the smallest reason. *continues 3 days later with post* But anyway, as I’ve learnt (the hard way) that the best thing to do in those situations is to sit on the hands and just let the feeling pass. And sure enough, 3 hours later, I was completely over whatever I was cranky about, forgotten completely, and still madly in love with the boy. Since then, the moods have stabilised right out to a point now where I’m feeling right on top of things again. I haven’t seen the shrink for almost 3 weeks now, and frankly, I don’t want to. I’m sure he’s got people to spend his time on that are more fucked up than me. Half the problem with depression I think is the fact that you convince yourself that you aren’t well, and when combined with the physical chemical imbalances (lack of seratonin / neoadrenalin), creates a closed loop that perpetuates the feelings.
Of course, the other undesired side-effects that the meds had are now well and truly gone. Being candid as I may in my own journal (skip if need be)… sexual potency is right back up there, and the climax control I used to pride myself on is back, down to the very second. Yay! It means a lot to me.. I used to get very frustrated with the lack of libido and as such used to create tension in the relationship.
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Now for the scheming |
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Well, I remember that the reason I took meds in the first place was because of lack of motivation. And even whilst on meds, motivation was at an all-time low. Now, I’m back on top of it, with so many schemes and plans up my sleeve, I’m going to keep myself busy and happy with every new day. To start off with, I have finally worked out what I’m going to do with uni, I know how long I have to go in my subjects, I’ve changed majors in my Commerce degree from Business Information Systems (read: Databases for Idiots) to Workplace and Industrial Relations. I always enjoyed Industrial Relations, hence I did well at it. And if I’m going to be a manager in the engineering sector, I have to know how to deal with unions and government departments. Plus, it helps as an employee, as I have seen too often people that get fucked over simply because they do not know what they are entitled to under their industry awards. In my Engineering degree, I now know exactly what I need to complete, when, and in what order to get the degree.
Also, with the crap that’s going on between my parents, it looks likely that the family company will be dissolved, releasing the $8k that I had stashed there. I could either choose to invest it, getting perhaps 10% over the next 10 years before its of any use to me, but considering my financial status now, and my abilities in project management and online skills, I was thinking of putting my money towards a higher-risk investment… becoming an entrepreneur! Yes, I would use that $8k as capital to start up my own company, more than likely web-based, but selling physical products in a niche market with high demand that hasn’t been fully explored yet. Because I could run it from my own home, and do all setup, maitenence and marketing by myself (there are some uses of being both a telco engineer and commerce student), I could quite easily run my own company, putting in the effort to make my enterprise grow. Plus, statistics clearly show that those who make it in this world financially often are the entrepreneurs, starting off young when the risk is small (no family / nest egg to protect). If I lose the $8k.. well it was a gift in the first place. If I make money, I will make a shitload of money. That’s the way it works.
As for other pipe dreams, I still have it in my plans to record my CD by the end of the year. I remember promising myself last year that I would have it done by July this year, but with all the fuck-ups, well, I shall just postpone. I have the piano and microphone out again, and have been doing a bit of practice every now and then… now its time to get into it!
My god.. just listen to me here… I have not heard myself talk like this with such aspirations for many many months. I am so happy and feeling in control now, it’s a beautiful feeling!
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No More Smoking |
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Yes Yes you heard right! It’s been over a week now without a cigarette! My last cigarette was on Friday, almost 10 days ago now! And whilst I have had pangs of really wanting a ciggie, I have managed to fight it off, and have been doing really well at it too! I think its a whole chemical reaction too… my body has had such a chemical change, with the lack of A/D’s, that I’m at the point now where I assosciate cigarettes with the “bad old days”, and as such do not want to smoke! It’s such a wonderful feeling!
| Days without Smoking: | 10 |
It’s cheaper too! At an average of $30 / week on cigarettes, the money adds up! A friend of mine popped over briefly tonight to drop off my phone charger, and the cigarette smoke actually made me feel ill.
As a result, I’m now confident I can keep this quitting up for a long time to come! It’s a new Gussy, people!!!
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Workin’ with da boi |
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Well, after work’s social night two weeks ago at Slip Inn in town, we let one of the admin staff know that Adam and I were actually a couple. Sure enough, being the good fag hag that particular staff member is, she went and told all the bosses, so now were are officially outed at work. I wasn’t worried about it at all… I mean hell, we are working in hospitality !! The interesting thing is though, one of our managers, who I’m 99% certain is gay, has decided to put us on nearly all of our shifts together, even at functions requring a very small amount of staff. So far this week we have done something like 5-6 shifts together at work, which is one of the reasons I haven’t really been able to update LJ as much as I would usually. Adam was a little apprehensive about working with me, and being around me even at work, but it really didn’t bother me. I seem to be able to make divisions in my mind between work and play, and whilst I stole quite a few knowing glances from him at work, and even a kiss when no-one was looking, it didn’t bother me at all that I was working with my partner. In any case, it gives me something decent to perve on at work! heh heh
So far this week we worked at the Statement Bar, which is a very classy nightclub / bar / lounge underneath the State Theatre, then Adam and I worked behind the bar at a Wake, then yesterday doing a Masquerade Ball at Curzon Hall in Marsfield. Twice we have been asked if we were related. We don’t look that alike, but people swore that we were at least cousins if not brothers. We didn’t have the heart to tell them the real connection! I think they would have choked.. heh heh
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Bye Bye Garret! |
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It’s such a pity I haven’t been able to hang out with the Posseâ„¢ much in the past few months. Since Garret
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Heaven is a place on earth… |
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I know.. I’m just firing off a lot of random ideas when I’m writing this post.. a lot of it is simply thought-process and not structured in any way whatsoever. I have to say that the past 6 or so days have been absolutely wonderful. I have had Adam stay with me for the past 6 days, making almost 144 hours always in each other’s sight. Usually this would send any two people absolutely crazy, but for some reason I have really really enjoyed it! Today was just so indicative of the special romance that still remains, as strong or even stronger than ever. We decided that we would hijack Sarah’s bathroom, and have a bath together, by candlelight, watching a movie, and enjoying strawberries and cream, with a glass of white wine. It dawned on me then and there just how perfect things are, even well after the honeymoon period has come and gone. Sure, there have been times when I’ve been upset, frustrated, or unhappy with something, but we’re at the point where we’re learning how to deal with it and not to forget the bigger picture. I will continue to treat Adam like a prince for as long as he’ll let me.
I haven’t written down everything that’s been happening over the past few days, as its now 0130 hrs and I need to get some sleep before first day of uni. I will make more posts in the coming days, especially between lectures at uni, but overall I have to say things have taken a big look upwards in life. I am no longer fussed about my parents… I have done what I can, they have accepted my help in some ways and rejected it in others. At this point, I really just don’t care. I’m living my own life now, completely separate. And for myself, I have so much going for me at the moment, which I had simply forgotten or not embraced, and I have such potential to make such a difference in this world, that i’m not going to let some pathetic depressive episode ruin. Sure I’ll get upsets, and nothing ever goes the way you want it to, but fuck it, that’s life. I’ve felt both happier in the past few days than I have for the past 6 months, and I’ve also felt sadder at times than I have this entire year. But the important thing, is that you have to feel sad to appreciate the highs. It’s a part of feeling alive!. And I love it.
Gussy’s Random Pic of the Day
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Caption: Remember, what goes around, comes around
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