VolaciousNet

I’m feeling strangely empowered today….
I feel so much more in control now. I’m not sure what it was… I have been thinking a lot over the past few days. I’m starting to manage my time a bit better, and sure enough, it’s causing changes already.
I decided to sit down at the piano and have a bit of a sing and a play. Of course, that had a special effect on me.. for some reason music always calms my mind, in every way, and allows the emotions to flow more freely without being blocked by the obstinance of logistics and immediacy. I also gain a bit of confidence, because I remind myself that I still have talents in areas such as music, even if I don’t promote them publicly or perform to others.
For some reason now, even though I have a 30% mid-semester looming up tomorrow, I feel like I can take on the world !.

My vanity has dictated that after tomorrow’s mid-semester is over, I must begin to focus on diet and routine. I think it plays a large role in motivations, concentration and energy. Doc thinks that I have ADD of sorts, but is very shy to consider medications until all other methods have been attempted. Personally, I think it’s possible, but it’s definately something I don’t want to take meds for. I believe it can be overcome with a simple application of self-discipline� and routine.
thought that my last pic on LJ made me look very tired indeed. Was probably true. A combination of stress and bad diet & sleep will make me look like a walking wreck. So, in order for me to be all pweddy, I need to improve my health so I can get rid of those bags under the eyes!!

Adam comes up tomorrow! I’ve missed him like hell this past week. Have organised to go up to Avoca Beach on the central coast, where my mother’s family has a nice beach house overlooking the ocean. Taking him up there for 3 days, and turning off the phone, TV, everything (and taking the bottle of rum, but shhhh!!!)

Sleep time, study tomorrow!!!!!
Love y’all

Well, that wasn’t quite the raping I expected!
I intentionally only studied certain topics last night, so that I had a chance of getting some marks. Of course, half the wretched paper was on the topic I *didn’t* study, and I literally didn’t know the first thing for it! However, the corker was, I gave it a shot, tried to work it out as best I could, knowing only the basics about diodes. I wrote down the bottom of the question to the examiner, in brackets (“Hey, I tried!” ). However, what amazed me was during the post-mortem, I found out that I got the correct answer! I was absolutely amazed!

So I have concluded that I should get about 50% for that. Which, I have decided, is good enough for the moment. After a long talk with last night, I reminded myself that I am only human, and shouldn’t be getting myself too down if I don’t perform to expectations on absolutely everything.
Next on the hit list is ELEC2301 ! That one is going to be hard, but I think I have the determination to do wel in that one, whereas I was more or less writing off the test I did this morning.

Went to see the optometrist today, and it’s good that my eyes haven’t changed or gotten worse since my last appointment.. in fact they’ve gotten better! I asked her to test me for my stereo vision.. sure enough, Gus can’t see stereo!
In other words, I cannot see depth perception in the same way as other people. In fact, I do not have “depth perception” per se. Everything I see is completely 2-dimensional and flat, so I’m told.
What’s interesting is that I still seem to be quite good at rifle shooting, and manage to be a decent enough pilot, without having the depth perception that others have. I have learnt since birth to judge distance by comparism and other methods rather than stereo interpolation. Would explain however why I can’t catch a ball to save my life!

Also, Gus is a blonde no longer!
I got my hair cut today, and decided that I would not get it blonded anymore. I’ve been a blonde for two years, and it’s time for a change! So I’m back to my natural dark brown. A few reasons for this.. I’ve decided that I really need to shape myself up a bit, and do a fair bit of “growing up” , per se. Give up the “blonde twinky” look, and go for something a bit more natural and down-to-earth. I’m still “fun and kooky”, as Adam so aptly said tonight, but with a greater sense of purpose. <--
Here is a quick pic I took so you can see the difference!!!

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������Gussy the Brown

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Caption:� Back to my natural colour. Feels wierd.. I have not been brunette since I was going out with Sarah (the pre-gay era), about 2 and a bit years ago

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Hiya peeps!

I’ve come to the realisation that I had better get out of this rut damn quick.
I’m really, just, sick to death of being so unproductive and bullshitting my life around.
I’ve just gone through all my committments over the next two months, and holy shit do I have my work cut out for me.

I’m going to try and split it up here for my own benefit

Uni

Well, after the catastrophe that was last semester, this semester is looking as though it could well go the same way if I don’t do something about it. I’ve lost my scholarship, so now there’s no saving grace.
Two midsemesters this week
Big ones. Signals and Systems, and Microelectronic Circuits. Ones I always have trouble with, and I have two exams within 3 days, each worth 30%
In total, I’m doing 6 subjects. I often forget to include that I still have to do an oral re-sit of INFS2000 mid-october.
I’ve motivated myself enough that I want to feel better, get this depressive tendencies out of my head, and prove to myself that I will feel so much better if I can perform at uni.

My 21st

I’ve been SOO slack in organising this. So I wouldn’t be surprised if people don’t turn up. I still haven’t invited everyone that I wanted to. I still have Harley’s address (given to me by Ron), sitting on my desk, waiting transfer to an envelope. Amongst others.

So this is an open invitation. All those from Sydney on my friends list, you are hereby invited to a HUGE night on the 1st of October, to celebrate my VERY belated 21st! Time: 7pm, 1st October Place:Boundary Hotel, Cnr Wyndham and Boundary St, Alexandria Dress: Cocktail / Lounge Suit M A S Q U E R A D E ! ! !

It’s the best I can do. I’ve got so much going on at the moment, I’m feeling guilty that i’m giving myself the time to write even this.
And, also, the fact that I can hardly afford postage stamps at the moment, and the details I have for most people only include their email address!!!
In particular, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , (c’mon Simon… you know you’d take any opportunity to escape Adelaide!)
I know it’s tacky, and I will try and invite y’all personally, but I’m so short of time!
So many people have asked “what do you want for a present”, and to each I have replied “Just your company. Nothing else”
I want it to be a huge night, and so far it’s looking good, but the more the merrier!

Junior Nationals

Now that I apparently have a glider (pending further confirmation? , I need to get funds together and a form in. I can’t believe how long and late i’m leaving this all. It seems to be very indicative of my organisation at the moment. I’m trying though!
In amongst all of this, I really want to get some more practice in flying. I didn’t fly any cross-country last year, so I really want to get out there again. I have big goals for my flying… it’s all about organisation now. I will more than likely not have a crew out there, but hey, it’s nothing I haven’t done before. I will manage!
I have a lot of support behind me now. I’ve managed to secure the finances, the aircraft, and a vehicle to tow it. I’ve got a beautiful machine too, a DG 300, one of the nicest i’ve flown yet! And I so need the holiday, even if it is to Temora.

I’ve taken a liking at the moment to Happy Hardcore music. It seems to get me motivated and moving. I have discovered BitTorrent, which is helping out enormously. Thankfully my ADSL link will be upgraded to 512 / 128 next week, so I’m hanging out for that!

Love y’all peeps… Sorry I haven’t been very social with those I know in person… so busy at the moment it’s not bloody funny!
But that’s the way Gus loves it… *sighs*

�Well, it looks like Johnny has, and always has had, the upper hand over Latham.
The Sydney Morning Herald poll, released today, show that he has always been ahead as preferred PM.
What I find amazing is how well the media hid this… always promoting Labor and trying to create a stir, whilst the Liberals were clearly ahead. Really, the election is up to the media, isn’t it? They have the power to change nations, but as long as it sells papers, that’s all that matters.

Personally, I’m not surprised Latham isn’t doing that well. His policies aren’t targeted very well, his “low income tax reliefs” are targeting low income voters, of which the majority traditionally wing toward Labor anyway. I think he’s going to have to do better than his “lower taxes, higher spending” rant which really are getting him nowhere.

Welcome to another 3 years of Our Johnny

Oh dear. It’s a tragedy! It’s a catastrophe! It’s every gayboi’s worst nightmare… Yes, Gus has a zit!
Damn huge one too, damn painful, middle of face, and I think this one is going to cause me a lot of problems.
More than likely a direct result of my eating habits these past few days, including all-you-can-eat Pizza Hut and a huge KFC meal for lunch today.
On the flip side, however, I got my body fat and weight measured today. 64kgs (most I’ve ever been) and 7% body fat. Yes, 7 % !
And… my last blood cholesterol tests measured me at 3ppm, which is below what is considered “normal” ( 4 – 12 ppm ).
It’s tough being Gus…

Now.. after my little boast, let’s get down to the real stuff here. 2 mid-semesters next week. Little work done. Promise to self to dominate semester looking shaky. Grrr.

2 days without Adam. Miss ‘im already. 3 days to go. Celebrated 5 months on Tuesday. Celebrated it just like I did the 4 month… rolled over, kissed him on the cheek, said “happy 5 months” and went back to sleep.

I can’t believe it’s been 5 months already! And he still hasn’t learnt that I am not, and never will be, a morning person. Any attempts to get me out of bed physical or coersive methods (including propositions of sex) will be met with extreme grumpiness and often violence. Nothing but coffee will persuade me to move. White with two, please!

On that note, I actually have to be up sorta early tomorrow, so I should get some sleep. The saga goes on…

Wednesday night… I’m becoming very sporadic with these LiveJournal posts. As my LiveJournal nears its 1st birthday, I must remind myself why I got it in the first place.

As a journal. I used to keep a physical journal, but I only entered posts in it about once every few months or so.

As a mechanism for voicing my thoughts / concerns, and having people spout back some meaningful advice

A place to let of steam.. yell at the world and watch them cringe

Because I’m a geek !

I’m feeling a lot better at the moment than I have done in the past few weeks. Whilst there are still a lot of things twirling around me, I’m starting to get a handle on the situations around me. Well, at least i’m convincing myself that I’m in control. I have a few emails to write tonight, and I STILL haven’t sent out all of my party invites. I feel really guilty about those actually.. the RSVP was last night! So I will send them out tongiht….

I have been very antisocial.. a lot of my friends not contact me, and neither have I contacted them. However, once I have a lot of things out of my way, I will feel 1000% happier. I am one of those people who can’t rest or relax until I have everything done.

Anyway, this is going to be a short post, because I’m multitasking and doing 20 things at once. My server’s HDD is crashing, so I need to backup 80GB of HDD onto CD’s. Not an easy task.

Oh… I needed that!!!!!
Back from Bathurst now after my little 24-hour “escape” from everything. The sight I saw when I got home… was amazing! I had already popped in to see the little asian florist down the road, and picked up a gorgeous basket of Australian native flowers for Adam, and when I opened the door, the place was spotlessley clean!! Like, REALLY clean! I was so amazed! I felt so much better for it too… I knew that was a huge thing I wasn’t looking forward to when I got home. The house was a literal pigsty… my carpet I hadn’t seen in months! Adam came through the door a few minutes later with , and I think the look on my face said it all! I was so thankful for having everything cleaned up.. I couldn’t work until my room was clean, and I couldn’t clean my room becuase I couldn’t be bothered to! But now that it’s clean, i’ve already got into the uni work!

The issues with Adam have been cleared up. I think we both needed the space a bit, and to talk about whatever upset us last week. I definately needed to calm down a fair bit! I was so riled up by the end of last week, that I must have been an absolute bastard to be around!

Also, my parents have reached a settlement agreement!
About time!
Dad rang me and told me about it tonight…. he sounded ok. Mum sounded like she had been crying a bit… and I know it would have taken a lot from her to be able to negotiate like she did. But I’m so glad it’s done. She can get closure, and even though the results may not have been everything that she wanted, it still means she can shut the door on that part of her life and get on with the rest of it.

It has added meaning for me… I know that when I stuck my foot into the situation I was getting into a very hairy stand-off. One part of me I guess was very scared that if my recommendations to both my parents turned out badly, I could seriously jeapordise my relationship with both of them. Although I know it killed Mum to let go of some of her money, I’m glad that she took my advice and at least negotiated about it. I just didn’t want to see it all end up in court. It’s an emotional time now, but at least the end is in sight!

The only thing really outstanding now is my uni work. If I tackle it logically, I can get it done.
Time Management, Gus. Time Management.
Here’s to a new day!

Here I am.
Sitting beside a nice fire, typing on my laptop. It’s snowing outside.
I’m where I belong.

I knew it as soon as I left Sydney this morning. I had just about had enough of everything. I’m really at my wick’s end. So, in true Gus style, I purge my thoughts, throw caution to the wind, and drove to Bathurst. I took the Bells Line of Road, and felt a marvellous joy and driving through beautifully green countryside (yes.. there’s been rain!), window down, and munching on a pizza from a servo. For some reason, this is heaven for me.

I also took to the skies again. Although it was windy as all hell, with a 25kt crosswind and turbulence a-plenty, with an impending storm front edging closer and closer, I decided that now was as good a time as any to do my annual checkflight. If I have to convince an instructor of my competency, then I may as well show off and prove that I was capable of the conditions. And who better to do it with than the new CFI. Did some complimentary spins, and a modified landing approach, and all was well. Oh well… still got it I guess!

But let me digress… what has caused me to throw everything aside and go west? Well, the last few weeks have been a caucophany of stresses and complications that needed space and simplicity.

Home Situation Revisited

Well, now I’ve done it. I’ve put my foot in it, to the point of no return. So many say “don’t get involved, Gus”, but this time I had to. I am being accused by both sides of colluding with the other. I have put in what I need to say, as I seem to be the only one that has any semblance of sanity or remnant strength in the entire family. And the only one who can see a way to end this mess quickly. And, perhaps, the only one with the required tact to communicate these ideas effectively.
It absolutely kills me in particular to see how it has affected my mother. I knew it was going to be messy. I know it was going to hit her hard. I knew it had to happen, and that it was inevitable. I knew all this. But I was still not prepared. Can you be? Her doctor has increased her meds to 375mg, which is I think above legal maximum, so he would have had to get special permission for it.
I think what scares me is the things that I’ve seen before in this situation. My ex (albeit of one week) Sam went through a parental breakup amongst other things. His father left his wife for another woman. Both children were gay. The mother hung in there for a few months, gradually slipping further and further from help. One morning she didn’t wake up, leavning the bottle of sleeping tablets lying ominously nearby. I went to her funeral. I swear, it was the saddest thing that I’ve had to do.
Now whilst I know this could be seen as overreacting, it is just something that haunts me. And I don’t know any particular way to make the hauntings go away.

Let’s Do The TimeWarp Again

Yes boys and girls, not only all that above, but it’s that time of the semester when the workload increases substancially and I have to make the conscious decision to do some work or fall to the same fate that I did last semester. Honestly, I can see it going that way. If I don’t correct myself now. But I’m not going to call curtains just yet. The fact that I have been falling behind in my uni has gotten me quite stressed, and it is affecting my relationship with Adam. And therein lies my biggest concern as of late.

Something went wrong the other night. And I don’t know what to do. Maybe it was me in a silly mood, but I said something that was taken entirely the wrong way and now I’m being treated like I’m the worst partner in the world. That part is irrelevant though. I’m feeling agry that I’m feeling absolutely awful about something I don’t even know what I did. It’s possible he thinks I’ve “changed” somewhat. That is possible, but whatever is changed is a temporary affliction that is only brought about by my struggle to keep myself together. I’m finding that I’m having less patience in the past few weeks, and finding that I am having less and less time for mind games. It’s just something that I don’t need right now. I’m fighting so hard at the moment to not burst out crying every night and trying my best to keep Adam happy and do everything I can for him, but sometimes it feels as though I can never do enough. I look through my computer’s history and a knot tightens in my stomach.

I love him so much… he is the only reason that I have cause to feel happy every now and then. It saddens me a lot when a small event can be blown to such proportion as to threaten the integrity of an otherwise brilliant relationship. Please Lord, I would do anything not to let this one get away.

I

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So whilst I may be sitting here beside my fire, sipping on a rum and coke after a day’s flying, I still feel that I need to cry. And just to let it go. So much I have had to deal with over the past 6 months 18 months 2 years, or 3 if you consider the events of 2001. I need to sit by myself, in the snow, and get it out of my system. Melt the snow with my tears.

Hi peeps!

Well, what an…interesting weekend! After, really, quite a stressful week, I spent the weekend with the boi in the hopes of relaxing. Friday night was most enjoyable, even if it was spent in Wollongong! Adam and I, and two of Adam’s friends (Nel and Jem) all went to the University of Wollongong’s Annual Ball. Dressed up to the max, of course! The highlight for the night for me, apart from Jean Kittson, was being able to dance a tango with my boy to a Jazz band. Never done that before! Always wanted to! Yes, a week after the University of Wollongong was awarded the “most homophobic university in Australia”, Adam and I stole the dancefloor at the University’s Annual Ball. That’s just a side-issue though I need to learn We need to learn how to dance properly one day! Oh well !

The next day was a little more relaxing, and we went off to a 21st that evening, but maybe it was me being tired, and having little patience, but I was not feeling very sociable that night. I put on a brave face and tried to be as entertaining and charming as possible, and let Adam have fun, but he soon noticed that I really wasn’t into it, especially as we went to the Shift afterwards to meet some of his friends and I was more than content to hide in the corner where the fat 50 y/o’s couldn’t squeeze my ass. He was quite upset with me for not telling him that I was feeling unsociable, and after we went home, he forced me to say why I was feeling so troubled as of late. I literally burst into tears like someone had opened the sluices of Warragamba Dam.

I realised a few little home truths last night, after that little episode. Firstly, that I am really not experienced in long-term relationships and need to know what type of work needs to be put in to make them work and work well. And the second is that I really have to arrest this perfectionistic nature of mine before it kills me. It has, and always has been, the root of a lot of my problems over the past few years. My confidence will tell me that I am capable of anything that I want to achieve, and I will become frustrated and angry with myself if I fail to achieve them. Common problem amongst people, maybe, but for some reason it affects me very deeply and cause me to lose faith in myself and slip back into depression. And that, truly, is what I’m most afraid of.

I have ascertained that the best way forward is to really work on Time Management, as I have often said before but never really taken to heart. Being able to accomplish small tasks will give me confidence in myself to accomplish the bigger ones, and make me learn what I am capable of doing so I do not try and attempt too much simultaneously. Communication with the boy is also essential… I have to realise that it is not a weakness in myself to feel down or antisocial, and that strong as I may be, there are times when I just need to cuddle up to someone special.

In the meantime, I must go and start preparing the house and cooking the Roast Lamb for when I have mum over for dinner tonight. This is scary.. i’ve never cooked a roast lamb before!

Here you are! The pic you’ve been waiting for!
Finally got it today, and the full version is now hanging on my wall.
All my flatmate Sarah could say was…. “Nauseating!”
So on the count of three….
One…
Two…
Three…

AWWWWWWWWWWW!!!

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      Angus and Adam

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Caption:  I really like this pic… quite sweet

But in other news….

Return to the Battlefield…

Had lunch today with my brother. Has been a bit of time since I’ve been able to spend any decent amount of time with him. He’s so busy these days with his job and the newborn Timmy that I pretty much have to make an appointment! Anyway, I offered to pay for lunch, so he was there in a flash!
Had a good talk with him.. naturally a lot of issues surrounding our parents came up. He’s too scared to talk to Dad about how he feels. This has often been the case, however. He has never been confontational, and ever since I was young, I was always the spokesperson!
In any case, I was run by Mum later in the afternoon, and talked to her in very emotional terms for over an hour. I can’t begin to describe how it made me feel hearing my mother so upset. I’ve been *trying* to butt out for most of the separation issues, but it’s time now for me to do something to help both James and Mum. I’ve gotta talk to Dad when he gets back from Queensland. I don’t think he actually does realise the effect he is having on the other half of the family by prolonging the separation proceedings. I don’t want to do it, but unfortunately I’m the only one that can.
Oh, and if I hadn’t mentioned it before, Mum was diagnosed on Monday with severe Osteoperisis.
Things have a habit of snowballing don’t they?
When I talked to Mum on the phone about how she was feeling, all I could think about was the essay I wrote on fatalism. Mum is now in a very low point of her life, but there is a reason for it, and she must make the conscious decision to use it to strengthen herself and improve as a person. Whilst perhaps the pain she is going through now may or may not be unjustified, the situation is there in front of her where she must pull all her strength together and believe in herself as a person. As I said to her on the phone today, and as I also said in that essay, “Human beings are remarkably strong creatures should they choose to be”.

Die, XP, Just Die!

Finally got rid of XP as a server system today! Poor old VolaciousNet was suffering in its Death rows, and I managed to “acquire” a copy of Windows 2000 Server to install on there instead. Verraaay nice! Includes Active Directory and IIS 5.0, which allows me to host multiple websites simultaneously. I also transferred over my old mail server and webmail system with no troubles whatsoever. Poor thing is probably full of security holes at the moment, but they should be fixed up soon Whilst I hate Scumsoft, I really don’t have the time to fuck around with Linux / Apache. I just want to leave it alone for a week or two and not worry about what it’s up to.

I’m really glad I got that picture today. I’m really starting to miss Adam. I sent him the sappiest letter along with his 21st invite.. corny, yes… nauseating, yes… but sweet I thought! I’ve had a good think about what I want, and I’m thanking my lucky stars everywhere with how well I’ve been blessed.

Btw peeps.. if you haven’t gotten your invites yet, don’t worry! I ran out of envelopes, so I’m sending another batch of tomorrow!
g’night all! *hugz peeps*