I won lotto !!!!!
Well, all $44.50 worth… which is still quite a windfall for me! Can’t argue with that, I guess. With my spectacular influx of income, I decided to go buy myself the latest edition of DNA. Yes, I know DNA magazine is the literary equivalent of “Spot Goes to the Shops”, just with prettier pictures. One article stuck out, though, and it has shown me a worrying trend amongst contemporary society. Monogamy is not the latest fashion.
Lost Faith – The Death of Monogamy
“‘Monogamy? Nobody’s doing that any more ! Now it’s all about the veneer of monogamy!’ That was Kath and Kim’s take on gay couples when they performed at the Gay Games opening ceremony in 2002. It got a big laugh too, perhaps because it rang true.”
DNA Magazine #62, March 2005.
It’s not just fading away into existence… it’s becoming “uncool”. Those “old-fashioned” values have become a joke in our society, and relationships are taking on new values, especially in the bedroom. It seems as though these “heteronormative” fashions have nothing to do with same-sex relationships. Here we are, demanding same-sex marriage, and we can’t even keep to the basic rules of marriage.
A study into homosexual relationships, whilst relatively dated, has suggested “fidelity is not defined in terms of sexual behavior, but rather by their emotional commitment to one another” (The Male Couple; David P. McWhirter, M.D., and Andrew M. Mattison, M.S.W., Ph.D.; Prentice-Hall, 1984; p 252) The researchers, McWhirter and Mattison were a gay couple themselves, and their study showed that all of the 156 couples studied had provisions set in place for extra-relationship encounters. They also found that nearly 2/3 of couples began the relationship with the expectation of monogamy, but become more permissive in time.
Now things have changed since 1984, when that study was done, and in a recent survey done in 1994 by The Advocate magazine, 52% of gay male couples described themselves as being “mogamous”. This, of course, did not take into account those that define “monogamy” as “emotional monogamy” instead of its traditional meaning of sexual fidelity.
Things are still changing, and a trend was seeming to form that monogamous relationships were more desirable, but then popular media comes out with articles aimed at “helping you keep an open relationship” and “how to mess around as a couple”. Ty(28) and Wayne(39) have been together for 5 years, and their tip is not to sleep with someone more than twice, but definately more than once otherwise you’re short-changing yourself. “We’re not sluts – we are community service officers and we love our volunteer program”. What great role models.
So why are we trying to uphold the ideal of monogamy in a world where it seems no longer relevant? Even in heterosexual relationships, “monogamous” relationships and marriages are falling apart at faster and faster rates. Are we so incapable at the prospect of committing our body, not just our mind? In the age of choice, when we have more PIN’s than close friends, many think that the grass will always be greener somewhere else, and despite the fact that the rate of HIV infections are growing, we still prefer to sleep with as many people as we can get our hands on.
Yes, I know this all sounds a very old-fashioned and conservative argument, but there are other logical standpoints. In the same 1994 study in The Advocate as mentioned above, 85% mentioned that outside relationships were the primary cause of fights within the relationship. Even though 52% of people claimed to be monogamous, 85% found sex outside the relationship as a source of conflict. Why are there arguments if people no longer think it is relevant? The answer is surprisingly logical… every human innately feels a desire to be loved, to feel special, and to be able to trust someone completely. You can convince yourselves of emotional connections in so many ways, but we often want a physical reminder so we know that it’s always true. That they will always love us and we will always trust them. Doing otherwise is akin to a politician’s election promise… all good intentions, but no proof. Giving your partner the gift of your body, and receiving theirs in return, is such a strong reminder. There are no greater gifts you are capable of giving. We can make mistakes in our relationships… betray trust accidentally or get into a fight about something, but as long as you don’t take back the gift you gave, there will always be that reminder of that bond. Many people want the world but aren’t willing to sacrifice for it.
I believe that the world needs better role models, and that we need to hear from them. Recently, we had Vicki Harding and her partner Jackie with their daughter leading the Sydney Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras. That’s all very nice, but as much as I want to, lesbian role models dont mean much to me. I’m sure it’s more juicy for the media to portray committed couples playing around, but it doesn’t do much for our young folk who have this media as their best connection to the gay community. How on earth can we expect to gain respect from society as a whole if we can’t make the same promises to each other that heterosexuals can ? (Generally speaking, of course). Will you really be proud in your later years, claiming that your “black book” has over 100 names in it?
I know it’s probably quite inappropriate that someone as young and relatively inexperienced as 22 should post something like that. I’m coming rapidly towards 1 year with Adam, and this is the first 3 month+ relationship I’ve been in. We’ve talked about this issue of monogamy, and he knows how I feel about it. Sure, we’ve had our problems, and a good share of fights. We’ve both been around incredibly gorgeous guys who I’m sure we’d like to do horrible unspeakable things to. That doesn’t necessarily mean that it would be worth persuing though. We still have trust, and I don’t get jelous when he’s out with other people. Is a bit of a change to past times, when I used to get consumed by mistrust. I’m learning, slowly but surely, that mistrust is a self-fulfilling prophecy, and a fast spiral down. I guess it all comes down to the issue of faith. If there’s one famous line I can grossly misquote… “Without faith, I am nothing”
We may be a dying breed, but we’re still here.
