Once you have a man, what do you do with him? Well… funnily enough most people don’t seem to think that far. The hunt, the chase, the catch… there are seminars, books, tips and tricks from all kinds of “experts”, on how to catch a man. But it seems there is very little *credible* literature on how to maintain a stable, and maybe even monogamous, gay relationship. Many of you will know that Adam and my relationship has had its ups and downs, recently we experienced a big crashing down that neither of us wants to experience again, and after 3.5 years the prospect of breaking up is not one either of us really want to entertain, not when it can be avoided and worked through. So we decided to be a little proactive… bone up on literature from people who have seen it, done it, and have found one of many solutions that are out there. Of course, gay relationships are a tricky one… they have their own idiosyncrasies and power dynamics that are not seen so much in “straight” relationships. And besides gay relationships are greatly varied in themselves… I don’t think I’ve ever seen two the same. As such, I believe you should never get your advice from the one source… get armed with knowledge, weigh up its relevance to your own situation and relationship type, and hatch a plan together. I think that’s the only way. So my questions to my readers |
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Written by skywardxplosion about 3 years ago.
a) Yes. I offer this one caveat from a wonderful columnist with the Chicago Tribune. You might’ve heard of her, or maybe just her article, as it was turned into a pop song by Baz Luhrman and sedn around the world a few zillion times:
“Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.”
The problem with supplying advice on relationships is that it can turn good, ugly, or worse than ugly. If the advice works then you’re endeared to that couple in distress for life. If it doesn’t then you could be held to blame for the disaster. In the end if your advice is seen as the “source” of the meltdown then you could be deviled by both sides of the couple, ostracized by neighboring friends, and pegged as “that guy that broke up….” .. so yeah…
Ask away
b) I can’t think of a single book or article that any useful advice what so ever in keeping a relationship together. I don’t believe that the source of relationship happiness can be quantified in a book. The relationship bounds two people because of something there.. That could be something as complex as love and companionship or to something as simple as, well, sex. The point is: each relationship is different. It’s up to the people involved to find out what makes it tick, what’s causing the problems, and go from there.
In the end you might just have to do what most straight couples who are locked into this mythical thing called “marriage” (that would require lawyers, fees, more lawyers, and probably more money, to break) and that’s the hardest thing of all: adjust!
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Written by volacious_gus about 3 years ago.
Ahh Baz Luhrmann.. a true Aussie legend :p
I think it’d be unwise / immature to blame the breakup of a relationship on bad advice… after all, advice is advice, not a commandment. Everything has to be taken with its proper weighting.
I likewise think that the “essence of happiness” doesn’t lie in a book, but sometimes you can be so caught up in a problematic or diverting relationship that you need a 3rd person’s perspective sometimes. A book or an advising friend can only help you perhaps see things you haven’t, and using that insight one can look at changing their own behaviour into something a little more productive. Naturally.. it’s never that black and white, and despite me being an engineer and wanting a logical solution, often it’s a lot more complex than that
Have no fear though… there will still be two Aussie boys here to look after you when you get here
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Written by volacious_gus about 3 years ago.
Well I hear the rule is 80/20.. a great relationship is one that it positive 80% of the time, negative for 20%.
Thankyou for that recommendation… I will be sure to look it up
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Written by Sunshine about 3 years ago.
Sam has exactly the same book!! We are similar to you – we have been together for almost 3 years now and we both want it to work. We have our occasional spack attacks but I guess the important thing is we keep trying.
I have a few other books as well. They are good but like all self help books, they only give you ideas and ultimately, what works for you falls back to your particular circumstance and personalities.
To answer your questions:
1. Not really. I guess our issues are personal to us, so I can’t see why I should share them with my friends. I do vent every now and then with a few close friends but they don’t usually get the full story.
2. You know what? I think understanding each other is a great step forward. I find the Myers Briggs Type Indicator a great tool for us to understand each other.
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Written by superbbluewren about 3 years ago.
Hi, Gus
If you are to talk to people, then talk to and be around those who are interested in seeing your relationship continue to work. There are many naysayers in both straight and gay communities who have a negative and pessimistic attitude to gay relationships. Sometimes that attitude is not overt, but expressed subtly. There is no reason why our relationships should not have as much longevity as any other relationships. In many ways, they could have longer as the relationships are more equal and more is able to be openly negotiated.One book that I will suggest is Joe Kort’s 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love. It is interesting in that it provides an intellectual framework to think about your relationship. It is only one such framework. As with all of these books, some of it you may find applies and other parts are of no interest. I think Joe Kort is very good. Others disagree
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